Mr. And Candy and I have been watching The Marriage Ref. Basically, if you haven't watched it, married couples submit their arguments for dissection and resolution by the host, Tom Papa, and a variety of celebrity panelists. Whoever wins according to the host has to give up the argument and concede defeat, but all the couples get a fabulous luxury holiday just for being on the show, so don't cry too hard for the losers!
I'm sure you will think me a philistine for enjoying it but I do. It is not so hard to recognize oneself in the petty yet deeply felt arguments of other married folk, and of course the smug feeling of superiority when viewing arguments much more petty, ridiculous and or lower class than one's own is hugely enjoyable.
Anyway. One of the recent arguments was a husband who wanted his wife to change her last name to his, and she didn't want to. Part, but not all, of her reasoning was that she worked in radio and was known by her "maiden" name professionally.
The panelists pretty much agreed that it was up to her, except then it kind of veered off into "She should be allowed to keep it professionally but she should change it in her personal life like for checking accounts and so on" - this is exactly what the two female panelists, Kelly Ripa (Consuelos) and Demi Moore (Kutcher) had done, after all. To be honest with you I was sort of shocked that these other arguments were even brought up, especially by women, because to me this is a case where "I don't want to" is an end-of-story type deal.
I just kind of assumed in today's modern world that since we no longer view women as property changing hands from father to husband that it had become a matter of choice solely up to the woman (seeing as her life is the only one affected). I changed mine, because I wanted to. I probably wouldn't have if his last name had been worse than mine, like, Maggott or Fartstein or something.
What do the wise citizens of the blogosphere have to say on this matter?
numer darowizny: SRTF/067/SWD .
1 month ago
34 comments:
You should only have to change it if his name IS Maggot or Fartstein. That's the test of true love.
What's wrong with Fartstein?
If you like, change your name because it's practical. Then everyone in the family will have the same name. If you're not planning on kids, keep your name. That way, when the divorce is final, you won't have to change it back. But whatever you do, avoid the idiotic hyphen thing (Maggott-Fartstein). Boneheaded.
I read an excellent post about this a year or two ago, I think by That Damn Expact.I'm not sure about this though, and I don't remember the post well enough to recount and she left blogging a while later so this could be a useless comment :S lol. if anyone else read it or remembers it feel free to chime in.
It is entirely up to the woman. That said, my fiancée will be changing hers, but in fairness, it is her EX's last name, not her maiden name, so that made her decision a lot easier. Plus, based on the 2000 cencus, my last name is just outside of the top 50 most common. (Her current last name is in the low 2000's and her maiden name is in the low 4000's)
Two caveats:
1) Don't hyphenate the kids' last name. I don't care if the girls get mom's last name and the boys get dad's. Just don't hyphenate.
2) You will get called "Mrs. Fartstein" socially from time to time. Accept it gracefuly. Correct subtly, but don't blast people with "It's 'Ms. AndCandy'!"
Also, as an IT person, I must say, keep your old name professionally! Having to update the system with your new name / new user ID is a pain in the @$$ and I hate doing it.
I'm VERY wise and I say screw old traditions that dictate women have to give up their own identity to reflect their husband. I say if they want to it's more than fine but I wholeheartedly support keeping one's own name. I mean, I have a name, it's mine. Why do I need someone else's? That's my opinion anyway. :)
This has been an arguement in my house for the last year. My last name is very uncommon. Something like 850 people the US have this name. howmanyofme.com reports that there is ONE person with my maiden name combination in the US but with my married name there are 28. My husband's last name is also a man's first name like Daniel, but not. So, since i prefer to be called "Sam" it would make me Sam Daniel, which would confuse people more. To appease my husband, I hyphenated my last name, but when I introduce myself, I use just my maiden name. I explain it by saying that I worked 25 years to become Sam (Lastname) and I wasn't going to give it up so easily.
Very thoughtful responses! I'll be back to answer individually later
: )
I still have my maiden name. Married five years. Neither my husband or I ever saw the point in changing it. As he puts it "I put my name on my underwear, not my wife."
I'm still not sure why he puts his name on his underwear...
I changed mine, didn't have to think about it. Just seemed the obvious thing to do at the time. Maybe I should have made more fuss. But his is easier to spell. Which always helps.
Shawn - Hahaha, I'm not sure I could love anyone THAT much!
Cooper - Yeah, i think kids have to take the dad's name (I could be wrong) so that might be confusing at some point.
Kid - Oh, I loved her!!! I don't remember that post but I barely remember what I had for breakfast this morning so that signifies little.
; )
Scope - (a) Damn straight she would want your name if it's between his and yours!!! (b) Common names are just so much easier to live with, if less distinguishing.
Veg - Exactly! The wife doesn't belong to the husband, they belong to each other! (That is my favorite kind of opinion, that knows what it wants but doesn't deny the opposite to others.)
Sam - Heh, very kind of you to concede the hyphen ; ) I think the names in question are really the deciding factor these days!
Logical Libby - Hahahaha, yeah it's not like you're gonna think they're YOUR tighty whiteys in the laundry ; )
Madame - Yep, preeeeeetty much the only reason I changed mine ; ) My name was very difficult and uncommon. I always knew I would change - provided I didn't fall in love with a Mr. Maggott or Fartstein, natch...
Yeah, I say it's up to the woman. It's just a name, so who cares.
I guess some kids feel weird if they have a different last name than their mom, but kids feel weird about everything.
I think the wife taking the husband's name eliminates a whole bunch of confusion and complication. Of course, that's very easy for a man to say.
But in any event, avoid hyphenation at all costs. It's ridiculous, and if everyone did it then eventually it would take you an entire paragraph to write your name.
BeckEye - Good point. Stupid kids ; )
WWW - Clearly you've never been through a legal name change. It is rather bothersome.Hyphenation could work if say the kids take only dad's name and the wife is the only hyphenated one. Or if she kind of keeps her last name and just tacks on the new one.
You absolutely should have to change your name, but to his first name.
What women out there wouldn't love to be called George or Harry, or Thaddius Fuddpucker...
I feel a bit sorry for poor old Mr Fartstein, he's never going to have a wife that shares his name and his kids will adopt his wife's. Poor chap.
I wanted my wife to take my last name and she wanted to as well so we had no issue. I am entirely against hyphenating. That is just someones way of saying "I can't make a decision". If you don't want to take my name then that is fine but I am kind of of the opinion that when you get married, it is a union of two people and the name change is part of that. I can agree on the argument that men could/should take women's last names just as easily though.
SkyDad - Hehehe, that would be much more confusing!
Mo - *sheds a tear for Fartstein*
Trinity - "when you get married, it is a union of two people and the name change is part of that" Ooh I was gonna be mad at you until you said "I can agree on the argument that men could/should take women's last names just as easily though" because in my opinion a marriage should be equal therefore it makes no sense that it has to be the wife's name that changes.
It was important to the Pretend Husband so I took his last name (but I also work in radio and I use my maiden name on the air...) I think it should be up to each couple to decide and, in the event of a disagreement, up to the woman since she's the one being asked to change. If it was so important to the guy on the show, did he even consider taking her name?
My biggest reason for becoming Mrs. PH is because I want the two of us and our kids to have the same last name. But if other families don't want to do that, fine by me. It's a very personal choice.
Totally her choice. Completely. It's no-one else's business.
As for what Scope told you about my plan to shed my ex's name when I marry Scope, HELL YEAH!
Kat - see, you are a sensible gal as well as a funny one!
Cora - Hee hee, and no wonder! Will Gwen change hers?
Perhaps the names should morph into a mashup. So Jones / Smith becomes the new 'Joth' family, or maybe 'Smines'.
Eric - Hahaha! That's a perfectly modern solution as both bride & groom are equally inconvenienced! I think it'd be pretty hard to continue over generations though, you'd just end up with random collections of letters at some point.
; )
this show sounds interesting. im gonna watch it when i get a chance. and i agree "i dont want to" should suffice. what was the final decision that was made?
I would like to keep my last name. It's short and uncommon in a good way :)
CA - It was weird at first they went with the wife because duh, but then I can't remember why but they changed it to the husband, but only for changing the name in personal life not professional life. I would have been mad as hell but she seemed happy.
Falling Up - As long as it's not too hard for your average idiots to spell, I say go for it!
I agree that it should be up to the person. If they WANT to, so be it. If not, well, non-negotiable. There can be other compromises, but if they're really set on keeping it, they'll resent having to change it.
I never changed my name. Luckily my mate supported my decision. If he'd balked, I'm not sure what I would have done. Maybe sign up for that show? lol
It's so much more fun when you and your wife have different names! I love how it confuses people (I speak from experience and wouldn't have it any other way!). :)
Spleeness - Just another sign he was the right one for you!
Richard - Hehe, you cheeky bugger!
It depends on what your last name is and what their's is. My sister's name is 'Mai Buddee' which is pronounced 'My Buddy' so she gets so paid out at school and tells everyone her name is Blaize Harper instead.
{I also like to pay her out about it, I think it's hallarious}
β - Hahaha, I think that's adorable! Mai is a pretty name though : )
I think it would be fun for a couple to make up an entirely new last name for the two of them to take together! haha
I'm in agreement with you, though. It's kind of ridiculous to expect that anymore. If I liked my last name, I wouldn't change it.
I don't, though, and it's a super common last name, so I'd happily ditch it. Last time I went to the doctor, she was lecturing me about being untruthful on my paperwork compared to a previous visit, and I hadn't been there before...turns out there was another woman with the same first name, last name, and middle initial (different middle names, though) who went to the same school and they'd pulled her records by accident. Sheesh.
Well Fed - Oh, so common names can be annoying too!!! I guess there is an advantage to being, say, Smizmar instead of Smith ;)
yo, where you at?
p.s. my word verification is: chess. lol
CA - Heehee, you are like the cutest teacher poutily demanding my homework!!! I'll try to rustle something up for ya ; )
Post a Comment