Mad Blogs III: Mad Cooking Skills

You guys.

You guys are all such geniuses that I almost couldn't pick a winner. Then I picked one, and then I thought, maybe I should pick someone else, because this person has such an amazingly happy thing happening for them right now that they probably don't even care that much about blog awards (I know, right? Sacrilege.) but then I thought you know what? She made me laugh.

So Cora, even though you're in the process of falling madly in love with our fellow blogger Scope and probably couldn't give two *hoots*, you still win this Sweet Blogger Award!


Congratulations and here is your winning entry!
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Hark! Who goes there?! Welcome to Mad Cooking!

Today, we're going to make a really skanky soup that everyone will love. Why, I made this for my evil step-mother, and she left me 22.829117 Russian Roubles in her will!

First, choose a nice piece of lemming. I find that the ass is especially tender.
Dice up and fry the meat, with 69 ounces of butter, in a large frying pan until well browned.

In a large stew pot, bring 666 liters of chicken stock to the boil and simmer. Take 3 cucumbers - making sure they're sweaty! - and chop into small pieces, then add to the stock.

Next, oddly chop up some palm tree and corn, and add to the soup.

Add the meat, simmer for 12 seconds and serve at -19 degrees.

"THIS is American Idol!"! If that doesn't make your dinner guests morose, I don't know what will!
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And just for kicks, here's the blank version so you can see how awesome everyone else was (open the comments pop-up from the entry post and fill in the blanks as you read.)



Greeting! Welcome to Mad Cooking!

Today, we're going to make a really adjective soup that everyone will love. Why, I made this for my female relative, and she left me number unit of currency in her will!

First, choose a nice piece of animal. I find that the body part is especially tender.
Dice up and fry the meat, with number ounces of butter, in a large frying pan until well browned.

In a large stew pot, bring number liters of chicken stock to the boil and simmer. Take 3 vegetables - making sure they're adjective! - and chop into small pieces, then add to the stock.

Next, adverb ending in -ly chop up some plant and vegetable, and add to the soup.

Add the meat, simmer for length of time and serve at temperature.

Exclamation! If that doesn't make your dinner guests emotional state, I don't know what will!

Over To You: Mad Blogs III

Time for another installment of everyone's favorite blog game, Mad Blogs™!

... which I invented (WORSHIP ME, MORTALS!!!).

...okay, maybe invented is a strong word.

If you don't already know, Mad Blogs™ is the blog version of Mad Libs:

1. I give you a list of blanks to fill
2. You respond with your filler words in the comments
3. I pick my favorite set of answers after an arbitrarily assigned a predetermined length of time. I guess like four days from time of posting oughta do it.
   
4. I post the completed Mad Blog™ and a Sweet Blogger award for the winner!

Here are the blanks:
greeting
adjective
female relative
number
unit of currency
animal
body part
number
number
vegetable
adjective
adverb ending in -ly
plant
vegetable
length of time
temperature
exclamation
emotional state

Ode to Dr Pepper

Dr Pepper
Is my favorite soda
This rhyme is cheating
But it deserves an ode-a

It reminds me of childhood
And that's always nice
I think it tastes best
With a butt-load of ice

Not everyone likes Dr P
Sad but true
When an Aussie says they hate it
I pity the foo'

What is that flavor?
(Twenty-three, to be exact)
Nothing tastes quite like it
Not Pibb, that's a fact.

That's another thing to note
Dr Pepper is clever
When did Pibb go to med school?
That's right, it was never.

Mad Blogs II: The Bloggening*

Okay seriously, it was SO HARD to pick a winner this time!!!

I really want to give the award to pretty much all of you, but then you might "rest on pretty" as Tyra says, and not bother to enter the next one! And there WILL be a next one.

So *drrrrrrum rrrrrrroll*... the winner is... The Vegetable Assassin!!!

Please enjoy your custom made Sweet Blogger award, mate - it was a VERY close race.


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And here is the winning entry:

S'up, Sugartits! my little tentacles!

A creamy thing happened to me a nanosecond ago...

I was expertly driving my 131 kids home from midget hockey practice at 4:16 a.m. when I saw something by the side of the road and stopped to look.

It was a warthog! At first i thought it was dead, because it smelled like rotten begonias, but then I saw its taint twitch. I felt stimulated, and picked it up to put it in the car & take it home with us.

"Christ on a pogo stick!" shouted my youngest son.
"That thing is hefty. Can we keep him?"

So we named him Fluffy.

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But wait, there's more!!!
My Mum was also one of my top choices, but she doesn't have a blog and therefore cannot display the award. So instead I'm going to post her entry here too.

Top o' the mornin' my little sheep!

A greasy thing happened to me eons ago...

I was witheringly driving my 7 kids home from hurling practice at morning tea time when I saw something by the side of the road and stopped to look.

It was a caracal lynx! At first i thought it was dead, because it smelled like rotten cockroaches, but then I saw its tongue twitch. I felt dismay, and picked it up to put it in the car & take it home with us.

"Gosh all crimenentlies!**" shouted my youngest son.
"That thing is sweet. Can we keep him?"

So we named him Fluffy.


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*The title of this post has nothing to do with the subject matter of the Mad Blog™ by the way, it's just patented hilarity to say Something II: The Somethinging. And yes I am a retard and had this footnote on the previous post.
Shut up, that's why.

**Uh, what?

Jack Bauer that thing, people.

All right everyone, you have TWENTY-FOUR HOURS to save the President put in an entry for the latest edition of Mad Blogs.

So get creative and get writing/commenting and you could be the recipient of an awesome Sweet Blogger Award, just like The Imaginary Reviewer, who won the inaugural competition with the sheer force of his Britishness.

... Go and enter!


... I mean it!

Over To You: Mad Blogs II

Mad Blogs™ proved to be so popular that I wanted to give it another go.

I will be leaving this one up for a few days though - it seems I did not allow enough time for people to post entries for the first one.

For those of you just joining us, Mad Blogs™ is the blog version of Mad Libs:

1. I give you a list of blanks to fill
2. You respond with your filler words in the comments
3. I pick my favorite set of answers
4. I post the completed Mad Blog™ and a Sweet Blogger award for the winner!

Here is the list of blanks:
greeting
plural noun
adjective
length of time
adverb ending in -ly
number
sport
time of day
animal
plural noun
body part
emotional state
exclamation
adjective

Mad Blogs I: The Mad Blogger.

Mad Blogs™ may just be the best blogging related idea I've ever had. Of course it wouldn't have been as awesome without such fantastic audience participation, so thank you!!! Not one of you failed to make me laugh hysterically with your word choices.

In a way, everyone who commented is a winner.

But in another, more accurate way, The Imaginary Reviewer is the winner. I think his innate Britishness helped the awesomeocity of his verbiage.

I deliver on my promises, and I promised an award, so here is your award, Mr. Reviewer - the custom-made, inaugural Soda & Candy Sweet Blogger Award. It's kind of a big deal.



Please to enjoy the winning entry in Mad Blogs™ Chapter I.

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Hi everyone!

Sorry it's been three generations since my last post. Things have been rotund around the old houseboat.

I just got back from a Johnny 5 trip to Cardiff, visiting my eight-point-three recurring cousins along the way. It was balmy... except for the sleet. I also sprained my spleen, but I recovered tragically.

Work at the pipe maker has been portly too. I work zero hours a day and can barely be bothered to cook up an ocelot burger when I get home. I just sit on the couch and maniacally watch The Golden Girls marathons until it's time for bed.

That only leaves me sixty-six hours a day in which to read and comment on all your blogs, not to mention writing my own debonair posts!



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BONUS MATERIAL

Here's the unadjusted Mad Blog - feel free to substitute your own answers from the last post and post on your blog - let us know if you do in the comments here!!!!

Hi everyone!

Sorry it's been [length of time] since my last post. Things have been [adjective] around the old [type of dwelling].

I just got back from a [mode of transport] trip to [name of city], visiting my [number] cousins along the way. It was [adjective]... except for the [weather condition]. I also sprained my [body part], but I recovered [adverb ending in -ly].

Work at the [type of business] has been [adjective] too. I work [number] hours a day and can barely be bothered to cook up a [animal] burger when I get home. I just sit on the couch and [adverb ending in -ly] watch [TV show] marathons until it's time for bed.

That only leaves me [number] hours a day in which to read and comment on all your blogs, not to mention writing my own [adjective] posts!

Over To You: Mad Blogs

UPDATE: This contest is now closed, but please feel free to create/post your own entries anyway!!!

I need your help, readers!

I had a great idea for a post but it's only going to work if you guys pitch in.

So... remember Mad Libs? They're basically short stories with words missing, and you get someone who doesn't know what the story is to give you words to fill in the blanks.

I want to do the bloggy version, so I'm going to give you a list of the blanks to fill - you respond in the comments.

I'll pick the only my favorite response and then post the completed Mad Blog.

Also, the winner gets an award if I can figure out how to post one of the damn things!

So please give it a go!

Here are the blanks:
[length of time]
[adjective]
[type of dwelling]
[mode of transport]
[name of city]
[number]
[adjective]
[weather condition]
[body part]
[adverb ending in -ly]
[type of business]
[adjective]
[number]
[animal]
[adverb ending in -ly]
[TV show]
[number]
[adjective]

(Holy crap, that turned out to be a lot longer list than I thought!!! )

Ode to Wheaty Bear

Wheaty Bear sits upon the shelf
Dependable and solid
Waiting for the two or three days a month
When I'm feeling horrid

You see, he's not a normal bear
His body's filled with wheat
Which can soothe one's pains away
When microwaved to high heat

Prone upon the couch
I hold him to my belly
He helps to keep the cramps at bay
And together we watch telly*

Wheaty has a dejected air
And upsettingly blind appearance
Because his eyes are gone for good
Due to doggy interference

Even though he looks a mess
(his bowtie's chewed as well)
He makes me feel much better
When I feel like hell

So thank you Bear
For your attempts at healing
In my time of woe
Hugging you gives me good feelings


*Telly= television. Do Americans say this?

Conversations With: Beyoncé the Dreamgirl.

We Netflixed Dreamgirls the other night because it was my turn to pick one. We've been watching horror and action for a while, so I decided to go super-girly.

I forgot that musicals, especially modern ones (except for Sweeney Todd which rocks), are like baths; I don't have the attention span for them. I got bored and impatient lots of times, waiting for them to stop warbling on and get back to the plot.

Husband livened things up a bit with this comment: "I guess Beyoncé had it written into her contract that she'd be the only good looking one."

...which then had us imagining Beyoncé on the phone with her agent:

Beyoncé: So it'll be me, a fatty*, and a girl who could devour me whole through a picket fence**. Done.

Agent: Yeeeesssss... You do understand you'll be playing the inferior singer, don't you?

Beyoncé: But there's a fatty, right? I'm in.




*Note: Jennifer Hudson is beautiful and has an awe-inspiring set of pipes on her. But she should not wear figure-hugging satin***.

**She's got big teeth. Like, Secretariat big. I was going to say Phar Lap, but y'all wouldn't have heard of him.

***Of course neither should pretty much anyone, including me. It's Horrendoville. Just look at that photo.

F You Friday: Family

Family.

They come and visit you, and it's all lovely and you proudly show them around your town and go out to eat and spend ages chatting and catching up and they sleep on the air mattress and still love you and you all take happy snaps on the beach squinting in the sun and you get them to bribe your dogs with treats because the dogs tend to hate anyone who doesn't already live in your house but then the dogs turn out to be attention whores anyway...

And then they leave and you remember that none of your family lives here and you miss them more than you did before they visited.

Bastards.

Curmudgeon Status: Confirmed

I know it's just going to confirm me as a cranky elderly person before my time, but I have to show you the error of your ways, o misusers of the English language*.

Here are some phrases I have seen being wantonly misused all over the Internet or on television, along with some hastily cobbled together explanations to help you remember the correct phrase.

toe the line
NOT tow the line
The idea is that your toes are exactly on the line, meaning that you are behaving exactly as you are supposed to.

another think coming
NOT another thing coming
Because you need to think again, dumbass. You know what you did.

I couldn't care less
NOT I could care less
You're trying to let someone know that your level of caring is as low as it can possibly be. It is not possible for you to care any less. If you say you could care less, well then it's the exact opposite of the point you're trying to make!

in the throes
NOT in the throws
Like most misused phrases, this doesn't even make sense the wrong way. Merriam Webster defines throes as a hard or painful struggle. Whereas throws are, like, cushions or blankets or something.



*And misusers IS a word, because I just made it up. So there.

I'm totally doing it for the environment.

They stopped purchasing the large size styrofoam cups at work*, so I have been using the same one for about three weeks now.

It has nasty elderly soda-stains in it (and is all scratched & chewed**), but I can't get rid of it, because the alternatives are:

Drink my soda at room temperature: UNACCEPTABLE.

Violently jam giant ice-cubes through the tiny hole in the top of the can: IMPOSSIBLE.

Buy chilled, gouge-a-riffic, non-generic soda from the soda machine: UNACCEPTABLE.

Drink tiny fairy-portions of soda from the water-cooler cups: UNACCEPTABLE.


I'm pretty sure this cup is giving me tuberculosis.



*Yet another thing to blame the economy for.

** S&C, why is your styrofoam cup all chewed and bitten at the top? Shut up, that's why.

Ode to a Creme Egg

With Easter just around the corner, it seemed only right to create a tribute to this universally loved seasonal treat.

Dear beloved Creme Egg,
How I love your chocolate shell
Smooth and etched with a pretty design
And perfect in taste as well

Your chocolate is from Cadbury's
Milky and superb
Hersheys just can't measure up
So I kick it to the kerb

Your flowing center like egg white
Except much more delicious
As it dribbles down my chin
Who cares you're not nutritious?

I love to eat you slowly
Overdosing on the choc
Smiling as it sends me into
Diabetic shock

And despite how much I love you
I'm glad you're here a short time
A large round shape looks good on you
But for my body, I prefer mine.
























[Original artwork by Soda & Candy using existing Creme Egg image]

FAIL: Prince.

No, this is what it sounds like when doves cry:

Hoohoohoohoohoo... hoohoohoohoo...

ssssssssttttttttttttttttttt*





*This is the sound of a single, salty dove-tear sliding over pure white feathers. Duh.

F You Friday

That's right, I made up a day-based category and then accidentally posted like a half day early. What you gonna do about it?

Soda & Candy: "F you, skateboarders in the bike lane. There's this new invention called the footpath, maybe you've heard of it?!"

Soda & Candy's Husband: "No they haven't, because here it's called a sidewalk."

Oh, snap!


Soda & Candy enjoys making snarky and/or Judgy McJudgerson comments from the safety of the car, but she has to remember to make sure all the windows are wound up first. There's nothing quite like loudly denouncing some random lardy pedestrian only to find that they've quite possibly heard everything you've said.

(Sort of) TMI Thursday: Double Poop Sandwich.

Calm down, it's not what you're thinking.


As I was making myself a sandwich the other morning, two things occurred to me:

1. My dad once told me that when he was a nurse, they taught him that healthy baby poop is the color and consistency of (presumably smooth) peanut butter. To this day he cannot eat peanut butter.

2. The squeezy bottle of grape jelly looks like it is making little grapey poops when you squeeze it onto the bread.

PB&J will from this day forth forever be rendered in my mind (and now yours) as a double poop sandwich.

You're welcome.