Free Carlos!!! I'll give you candy! Guaranteed.*

Join me, won't you, in the campaign to save this adorable beagle basset hound (duh, S&C) and his freakishly stumpy legs?



Fantastic lady blogger, Miss Yvonne, wants nothing more than to save his droopy little punim from certain clinical depression by adopting him into the squishy bosom of her family, but Captain Carl, her (I assume) ruggedly handsome sea-captain husband, is resisting (boo hiss), so Miss Yvonne needs all the bloggerly help she can get to bring Carlos Spicy Wiener home for Christmas, I mean New Year's. (There is already an official badge, but you know me, I like to do my own art)

So get over there and join the campaign!!!


*Not a guarantee.

Over to You, Ladies: A Question of Etiquette

Dear Ladies of the blogosphere,

When a gentleman holds a door for you to allow you to go through ahead of him, do you

a) hold in the fart until you are far enough away to let out the daintiest rose-scented pfft and still keep your admittedly shaky reputation as a lady?

or

b) let one rip in his face in an implied threat to the patriarchy as you strut past?

Mad Blogs VII: Mad Style

Merry Day Off, everyone!

In the spirit of the holiday season, and to heap guilt upon those who didn't participate, I declare each and every entry in the latest Mad Blogs a winner! You all get a super special Christmas colored Sweet Blogger Award.


Here are all the entries, reproduced in the order in which they commented.

Feel free to praise your favorites in the comments!


****
HUNTER

Bangkok Fashion Week is the dumbest new event on the fashion calendar.

Gorgeous models will be quickly strutting their stuff in looks by the most smelly designers.

The first runway show is starting! Just look at those fabulous sequined crotchless panties. And those darling little hats shaped like bitches!

That Gimp Mask is hand beaded with 10,000 Swarovski crystals. It took centuries to sew them all on!

The designer told me that this season, it's all about the nipple. All the outfits are designed to emphasize it as much as possible (and, the entire collection is knitted from wombat hair, can you believe it?

See you at the next show, my little platypuses.

****
SIMON

Bath Fashion Week is the unlikeliest new event on the fashion calendar.

Gorgeous models will be voraciously strutting their stuff in looks by the most inflexible designers.

The first runway show is starting! Just look at that fabulous sequined gingham dress. And those darling little hats shaped like potatoes!

That bowler hat is hand beaded with one hundred and eighty-three Swarovski crystals. It took twenty-seven years and nine months to sew them all on!

The designer told me that this season, it's all about the pancreas. All the outfits are designed to emphasize it as much as possible (and, the entire collection is knitted from rhinoceros hair, can you believe it?

See you at the next show, my little aardvarks.

****
CORA

Seattle Fashion Week is the skankiest new event on the fashion calendar.

Gorgeous models will be rudely strutting their stuff in looks by the most bulging designers.

The first runway show is starting! Just look at that fabulous sequined thong. And those darling little hats shaped like marbles!

That trench coat is hand beaded with 101 Swarovski crystals. It took 2 minutes to sew them all on!

The designer told me that this season, it's all about the thumb. All the outfits are designed to emphasize it as much as possible (and, the entire collection is knitted from whale hair, can you believe it?

See you at the next show, my little chipmunks.

****
MORGAN THE MUSE

Des Moines, Iowa (pronounced DEE Moyn) Fashion Week is the scrapiest new event on the fashion calendar.

Gorgeous models will be deadly strutting their stuff in looks by the most theft-proof designers.

The first runway show is starting! Just look at that fabulous sequined dead animal. And those darling little hats shaped like octopodes!

That unitard is hand beaded with 42 Swarovski crystals. It took an epoch to sew them all on!

The designer told me that this season, it's all about the right index finger. All the outfits are designed to emphasize it as much as possible (and, the entire collection is knitted from unicorn hair, can you believe it?

See you at the next show, my little elephants.

****
SCOPE

Mudfork, West Virginia Fashion Week is the a$$-backwardest new event on the fashion calendar.

Gorgeous models will be bubbly strutting their stuff in looks by the most gnarled designers.

The first runway show is starting! Just look at that fabulous sequined corset. And those darling little hats shaped like footballs!

Those fishnet stockings are hand beaded with 12 Swarovski crystals. It took a fortnight to sew them all on!

The designer told me that this season, it's all about the big toe. All the outfits are designed to emphasize it as much as possible (and, the entire collection is knitted from moose hair, can you believe it?

See you at the next show, my little geese.

****
MO.STONESKIN

Berlin Fashion Week is the Frenchest new event on the fashion calendar.

Gorgeous models will be extremely strutting their stuff in looks by the most yellow designers.

The first runway show is starting! Just look at that fabulous sequined fingerless glove. And those darling little hats shaped like hamsters!

That slipper is hand beaded with 7 Swarovski crystals. It took 40 seconds to sew them all on!

The designer told me that this season, it's all about the bum. All the outfits are designed to emphasize it as much as possible (and, the entire collection is knitted from giraffe hair, can you believe it?

See you at the next show, my little lemurs.

****
BECKEYE

Poughkeepsie Fashion Week is the surliest new event on the fashion calendar.

Gorgeous models will be beautifully strutting their stuff in looks by the most ridiculous designers.

The first runway show is starting! Just look at that fabulous sequined bra. And those darling little hats shaped like monsters!

That dickey is hand beaded with 300 Swarovski crystals. It took 3 weeks to sew them all on!

The designer told me that this season, it's all about the index finger. All the outfits are designed to emphasize it as much as possible (and, the entire collection is knitted from cheetah hair, can you believe it?

See you at the next show, my little eels.

****
and last but not least,
WORDS... WORDS... WORDS...

Intercourse, PA Fashion Week is the soggiest new event on the fashion calendar.

Gorgeous models will be superciliously strutting their stuff in looks by the most stanky designers.

The first runway show is starting! Just look at that fabulous sequined ascot. And those darling little hats shaped like pineapples!

That dickie is hand beaded with 19 Swarovski crystals. It took seventeen minutes to sew them all on!

The designer told me that this season, it's all about the earlobe. All the outfits are designed to emphasize it as much as possible (and, the entire collection is knitted from polar bear hair, can you believe it?

See you at the next show, my little cicadas.

I'm dreaming of a blood-red Christmas... wait, what?

There's still time to enter my Mad Blogs competition, but I have to put this post up before Christmas while it's still relevant...

So I was just thinking about the difference between American Christmas and Aussie Christmas.

As I remarked on Simon's blog, when he was sent an Aussie Christmas card,

Awww, an Aussie Christmas.

You just want to eat nice cold leg ham, prawns and salad because it's so effing hot, but you have to also have a turkey and a lead-weight pudding because it's just not Christmas without inappropriately hot European foods.

Christmas in the Southern hemisphere, of course, is in the middle of summer, and in Australia, it is quite often the high point of bushfire season*.

One year the bushfires were particularly bad and their effects were noticeable even far away in the city. We ate Christmas lunch under a blood-red sun which hung sullenly in the grey, ash-choked sky. The wind carried little flakes of ash that fluttered onto our plates, disintegrating at the touch.

It was like gathering at the end of the world.



*Similar to wildfires in California. In fact, the increase in wildfires in California in recent years has been attributed by some to the popularity of eucalyptus or gum trees (native to Australia) which are chock full of eucalyptus oil and therefore extremely flammable. I don't know if this is true or not, but it sounds about right.

Over to You: Mad Blogs VII

If you don't already know, Mad Blogs™ is the blog version of Mad Libs:

1. I give you a list of blanks to fill
2. You respond with your filler words in the comments
3. I pick my favorite set of answers after an arbitrarily assigned a predetermined length of time. For this one, Wednesday Dec 23, so I can post a winner Christmas Eve (I may make it later if I don't get enough entries by then).
   
4. I post the completed Mad Blog™ and a Sweet Blogger award for the winner/s.
   

Here is the list of blanks:
City
adjective ending in -est
adverb ending in -ly
adjective
item of clothing
plural noun
item of clothing
number
length of time
body part
animal
animal, plural

'Tis the season...

Lazy Ass Cooking (recipe included).

I randomly came up with this idea for a hybrid mac & cheese / veggie bake and it turned out rather well so I thought I'd share the recipe with you. It's really easy even for me who is a bit crap at cooking, and can be modified depending on your tastes (except if you hate cheese, then you're pretty much out of luck).

Ingredients:
12oz (340g) box of spiral pasta
or "salad twirls" as they are fancily called here. I used the "rainbow' kind (where some are orangey and some are green) to add interest.

about 8 mushrooms, sliced
you can use different veggies like maybe broccoli, peas or whatever if you prefer. Chunks of cooked chicken or little bits of ham or bacon would also work well, I think.

1 clove garlic, minced
or finely chopped if your mincer got broken and you haven't bought a new one yet because they are all like fifteen dollars and what the eff?

1 nice tomato
I bought a vine-ripened one specially because they actually have flavor unlike their pale multi-pack cousins.

1 small jar four-cheese alfredo pasta sauce

1 metric ton* grated cheese
*Not really. 2 or 3 large handfuls should do.

Instructions:

Preheat the oven to 350º F (or whatever it is in Celsius if you are not American. Google it, okay?)

Cook the spiral pasta until just a bit chewy - slightly less done than al dente - drain in a colander when it's done.

While the pasta is cooking, sautée the mushrooms and garlic with a bit of oil, until the mushrooms are not raw any more, but not quite done. Chop the tomato into large chunks and chuck it in with the mushrooms at the end so the tomato mixes in and gets a little bit heated. (if you are doing different veggies, just cook them until they're almost done. I feel like I chucked in some basil or possibly oregano flakes at this point but not sure. You may enjoy pepper or other spices.)

Mix the veggies in with the drained pasta in the pasta pot. Add the alfredo sauce and a big handful of grated cheese. I guess it'd be like a half cup or maybe a bit less, I have little hands.

Put a bit of water in the bottom of a ceramic lasagna dish / pan thingy. Pour the pasta mix into the dish and spread it out evenly. I also filled the empty alfredo sauce jar about a third full with water and swished it to around to mix with the sauce left in the jar, then added that to the dish and mixed it all in; you get all the sauce and the water helps it to not dry out when baking.

Then cover the lot with a bunch of grated cheese. Make it not totally covered, so you can still see some bits of pasta poking out; that way they will get crispy & make nice texture.

Bake it in the oven for about 40 minutes or until the cheese on top is perfectly golden brown.

It serves 4 or two really hungry people.


I find I really can't be arsed cooking anything complicated on weeknights so I will probably make this a lot from now on. Do you have any similarly easy (hopefully vegetarian) dishes in your repertoire?

Little cat, big dreams.

Bite Size: Just give me the chicken and no one gets hurt.

Y'all, I almost mugged an old lady on the bus the other day for her bucket of Kentucky Grilled Chicken.

In all likelihood it's as dire as their regular fried chicken, but damn it smelled good.

Go buy them NOW.

Americans, prepare to have your taste buds competely ruined for every other cookie.

Pepperidge Farm is selling Tim Tams. But apparently they'll only be available until March so I suggest you go to the supermarket or Target (where the dark chocolate version is exclusively available - if you are a freak who prefers dark chocolate) right now and pick up a packet.

Right now!

The Other F Word.

I was reading something the other day that was talking about how the Twilight series & Disney Princess stories create unrealistic expectations for little girls, and how they're misogynist because the princesses just passively wait for the prince to rescue them. And although it is hypocritical of me to judge someone else for over-analyzing the trivial, I thought "Oh, come on! Really?"

Hello, it's a fairytale. There's nothing wrong with fantasy.

I mean, who doesn't want to be rescued? If you were Cinderella and an absurdly wealthy, handsome bloke turned up and fell in love with your soot-streaked face, would you give a second thought to feminine solidarity with those bitchy stepsisters of yours and say "No thanks, I'll rescue myself. I depend on no man!" Of course not, you'd say "Take me to your castle, handsome!" It doesn't mean that you then expect this is how real relationships function.

However, I must recognize that I can take that point of view because I have other options. I can work. I can choose my own career. I chose my husband for myself (okay, we chose each other but you know what I mean). I'm not one of those women who wrinkles their nose prettily and says "Ooh, no, I'm not a feminist!" like it was the other F word (yeah, I knew you were wondering what the post title was on about). Actually I can't understand how it came about that it's considered a bad thing to say you're a feminist - by some women. Are they afraid the boys won't like them? "Thinking gives you wrinkles!"

...Sorry, this post is kind of going in six different directions at once. And here's another one. Since I've decided that fairytales are perfectly acceptable when we accept them as fantasies, wouldn't it be nice to see a fairytale in which the woman rescues the man from his wicked stepmother / life of drudgery / lack of hairdresser / centuries-long coma? Or would the gender reversal require a different type of "rescue"?

Your thoughts in the comments, please and thank you!

KITTEH PHOTOS

By popular demand - and I mean some of you literally demanded these - photos of Little Cat, the tiniest kitten evs:


^ so small you have to use a macro lens to get her face in focus ; )


^ I call this one "contemplation in profile"

^hey! a squirrel!


Ovaries, clench!

That ought to hold you for a bit. I may not be posting regularly over the next little while since I've just bought Super Mario Wii I've run out of ideas for new Mad Blogs I am very busy and important.

Mad Blogs VI: Mad Gossip

The winner of Mad Blogs VI, by an eyelash, is BeckEye!

BeckEye, you are a Sweet Blogger.

Honorable mentions to Joshlos and Sabine, whose entries also tickled my funnybone!

Here's the winning entry - (and the blank version is below it, for those of you who want to see how well the other word choices work - just pop-up the comments from last post and follow along replacing words as you go).
______________________

Mad Gossip

The latest celebrity gossip by Rhonda Mango.

• Emmanuel Lewis shocked everyone today by announcing his plans to retire and move to Swaziland to become a dog catcher.

• Wilford Brimley and Cyndi Lauper were seen in an L.A. nightclub, holding hands, kissing and sharing a big plate of pickled bull testicles. "It was frisky, the way they were carrying on!" said one bystander.

• A source close to Zamfir, Master of the Pan Flute says the artist plans to adopt 33 children as soon as possible, saying "It can't be much harder than looking after my pet blue footed booby."


______________________

Mad Gossip

The latest celebrity gossip by woman's name | fruit.

• male celebrity shocked everyone today by announcing his plans to retire and move to geographical location to become a profession.

• famous actor and celebrity were seen in an L.A. nightclub, holding hands, kissing and sharing a big plate of food. "It was adjective, the way they were carrying on!" said one bystander.

• A source close to famous musician (living) says the artist plans to adopt number children as soon as possible, saying "It can't be much harder than looking after my pet animal."

Over To You: Mad Blogs VI

Yay Mad Blogs! Here's your chance, everyone who missed out on the last one!

If you don't already know, Mad Blogs™ is the blog version of Mad Libs:

1. I give you a list of blanks to fill
2. You respond with your filler words in the comments
3. I pick my favorite set of answers after an arbitrarily assigned a predetermined length of time. For this one, Saturday Nov 28. Or later if I don't get enough entries by then!
   
4. I post the completed Mad Blog™ and a Sweet Blogger award for the winner/s.
   

Here is the list of blanks:
woman's name
fruit
male celebrity
geographical location
profession
famous actor
celebrity
food
adjective
famous musician (living)
number
animal

Eff you, Nabisco.

Fig Newtons are a rectangular cookie (or biscuit for non-American readers) made by Nabisco. They recently redesigned the packaging for Fig Newtons. In the old plastic wrap packet, you simply opened one end and out came the Newtons. The new packet is made of some kind of thin foil and is resealable.

This is great for freshness, partially because of the foil, but mainly because you cannot get the damn cookies out of the packet, because the resealable lip covers a good portion of one side of the cookies (see fig. 1).

To make matters worse, the Fig Newtons are packed in like sardines, so you can't grip around the cookie to pull it out, and they also have a tendency to crumble, so your only option is to destroy the corners on a few until you have created enough space around one to pull it out.

Eff you, Nabisco.

*****
In other news, I have been awarded the Slippers of Glory by the delightful sas. She is one of many saucy redheads to be found in the blogosphere, but she is also a Kiwi living in London; it is quite lovely to read of another Antipodean expat's exploits!

Thanks, sas!

Will to blog.

With apologies to Indexed.

Little Cat is a stray foundling, scorned by her mother and sister. She is a tortoiseshell or "calico" cat, black and ginger mixed thoroughly. She basically looks like a ginger cat that's been up a chimney. Adorable of course!

Mad Blogs V: Mad Interiors.

Everyone did awesome, but there can only be one winner. Because I said so and it's my competition. Don't look so sad, your fabulous word choices made me laugh too!

Just not as much as... miss.chief! the winner!
Chiefy, you are a Sweet Blogger.
Honorable mentions go to 180|360, who ran a very close second, and Parpnelope Parpfield-Parpington (or Steam Me Up, Kid as she is more commonly known) for making me keep giggling and saying "Armoire!" to myself.

Here's the winning entry - (and the blank version is below it, for those of you who want to see how well the other word choices work - just pop-up the comments from last post and follow along replacing words as you go).
______________________

Welcome to Mad Interiors, the fluffiest interior decorating show on the moon. I'm your host, Billy Magenta.

Well, I'm sure you're all aware of the recent craze for 1960's style in interiors. Who could forget the Shamwow guy declaring in the school newspaper "I'd sell my first-born child for that boring style in my mom's basement!"

But that's so 3 years ago! Now everyone is painting their walls brown and upholstering their furniture with anaconda pelts. Coming up in 9 minutes, we show you how to make an authentic Japanese chesterfield using only a spork, three skeletons and a hollowed out spaghetti squash.



______________________

Welcome to Mad Interiors, the adjective ending in -est interior decorating show in location. I'm your host, man's first name | color.

Well, I'm sure you're all aware of the recent craze for historical era style in interiors. Who could forget celebrity declaring in publication "I'd sell my first-born child for that adjective style in my type of dwelling!"

But that's so period of time ago! Now everyone is painting their walls color and upholstering their furniture with animal pelts. Coming up, we show you how to make an authentic ethnicity | piece of furniture using only a noun, three plural noun and a hollowed out vegetable.

Over To You: Mad Blogs V

I haven't done a Mad Blog for a while but people seemed to like them and let's face it, I owe you a decent post after all the dodgy poetry and other half-assed nonsense I've been posting lately*! Here we go!
________________

If you don't already know (like if you've been reading my blog for less than six months which is the last time I did one), Mad Blogs™ is the blog version of Mad Libs:

1. I give you a list of blanks to fill
2. You respond with your filler words in the comments
3. I pick my favorite set of answers after an arbitrarily assigned a predetermined length of time. I guess like four days from time of posting oughta do it.
   
4. I post the completed Mad Blog™ and a Sweet Blogger award for the winner/s.
   

Here is the list of blanks:
adjective ending in -est
location
man's first name
color
historical era
celebrity
publication
adjective
type of dwelling
period of time
color
animal
number
ethnicity
piece of furniture
noun
plural noun
vegetable


*With the notable exception of Miss Vegetable Assassin's darling honky cracker, of course.

Longing.

I stood up straight suddenly, whatever I was doing forgotten
pierced through the heart with a sudden intense longing for that place
The place I used to live

The stale smell of the city held inside the bus
inside my lungs
until I stepped out at the beach
The wind blowing in off the ocean
whipping sand at my legs
Salt in the air - taste it, breathe its freshness.

The waves were turquoise glitter by day, soft black oil at night.

I still live near to the sea (I don't think I could ever live far from shore)
But it's not the same shore, not the same sea
So I longed for that place I used to live.

Literal Sketches - Guest Sketcher!

While I'm busy doing all kinds of uninteresting stuff, the Vegetable Assassin has kindly stepped into the breach with this wonderful Literal Sketch.

I guess a good clue is that it describes me, in a way (if that's not a good enough clue, put your mouse over the image, the answer is in the hovertext).

A Terrifying Tale for Halloween.

Hey peeps. I'm not gonna be around the blogosphere next week. Stupid adulthood and its attendant responsibilities. So if I don't comment on your posts, it doesn't mean that I don't adore you like a fat kid loves cake. If anyone wants to write me a guest post, y'all know where to email me at...

...crap, I probably should have sold that prospect a little more. Tell you what, make it about soda, candy or some other delicious foodstuffs and there's a Sweet Blogger Award in it for ya.

In the meantime, I'm leaving you with a tale of terror I wrote to put you in the mood for Halloween shenanigans.

***********************

He cursed himself. How could he have been so foolish as to dabble in the black arts, of which he had so little understanding?

The foul creature he had summoned to do his bidding was relentless and completely out of his control now. In desperation, he seized his axe and hacked the creature to pieces, showing no mercy. He sliced and chopped away until tiny, unrecognizable pieces covered the floor.

Finally convinced that it was destroyed, he went into the other room. He sank into his chair, panting with exertion. The ordeal was over. He closed his eyes in silent thanks, letting out a sigh of relief.

But wait! What was that sound? A horrible rustling filled him with dread. It couldn't be! Surely he had killed that... thing?

Dear God, no! Each tiny sliver he had cut from it had awoken and grown into an exact copy of the original monster! He had unwittingly created an army of evil beings, now grimly marching back and forth about their work. In vain he tried to stop them, but they simply ignored him, jostling him, scratching and trampling him in their relentless journey from the fountain to the well and back again. In their mindless determination, they began to flood the room with water.

The tides swirled and rose around him and he panicked, grasping a book of magic that floated past and desperately searching for a spell to end this terror. He was fighting to stay afloat when he became caught in a vortex and began to scream for help.

His master, finally aroused from his slumber, came to see what was happening. Bristling with rage, he quickly dismissed the flood waters and the evil creatures, before demanding his magical hat from his grateful but terrified apprentice...







... And Mickey never abused the dark arts again.

On Growing Old, or, The Little Tomato

The little tomato wept
She was no longer firm and smooth
She was becoming soft in the middle
And truth be told
A few wrinkles were beginning
To make themselves known.

A big tomato looked down at her and said kindly
"Never mind my dear,
For when you were young and green,
You were no use to anyone
But now you are ripe and delicious."

Halloween Schmalloween.

Halloween is just around the corner!

The vast majority of Australians do not celebrate Halloween. Trick or treating is virtually unheard of. If you don't have small children, who might do some Halloween-themed coloring-in at school, you probably wouldn't even notice it coming and going. So I don't have the cultural connection to it or the emotional history that Americans who've grown up in this tradition might have.

As I remarked some time ago on the Caped Tirader's blog, I like candy (understatement of the year?) but costumes etc. are a bit too much effort for me.

So I propose a new holiday (I can hear the retailers salivating now):

Laze-O-Ween.

It's the lazy version of Halloween! Here, let me show you by comparison:

Halloween: Door-to-door traipsing around the neighbourhood
Laze-O-Ween: Lying prone in the comfiest chair in your house. Preferably a La-Z-Boy - they'd be the perfect Laze-O-Ween sponsors!

Halloween: Elaborate and potentially expensive costumes require thought and effort.
Laze-O-Ween: No costumes, you just wear your undies and a wifebeater. You're in your own home after all.

Halloween: You must buy large amounts of crowd-pleasing, individually wrapped candies.
Laze-O-Ween: You buy however much you want of the candy you like best.

Halloween: American culture dictates that you must give the aforementioned candy away to complete strangers just because they knock on your door and they're so little and adorable in their teeny weeny costumes!!!
Laze-O-Ween: You turn the TV up to drown out the sound of the doorbell, consume all the candy yourself over the course of the evening and fall asleep in a delicious sugar haze, nestled amongst the discarded wrappers.

See? Laze-O-Ween is much better!

What Halloween tradition would you improve with a Laze-o-Ween twist?

Bruises

How is it that I can get:

• a mystery bruise from god-knows-what on my wrist and another on my upper arm
• a constellation of mystery bruises on my right leg
• a big purple bruise on the front of my ankle where I banged it on my desk
• a horrible junkie-bruise in the crook of my elbow(which lasted a week) from having blood drawn
  
• assorted bruises on both legs at desk and coffee table height

but after I slipped, both feet flying out from under me cartoon-style, to land heavily on my left hip on the rock-hard tiles of the kitchen floor, not even the slightest discoloration has shown up the next day?

***

I actually wrote this a few days ago but had other stuff scheduled... In the meantime, a bruise about two inches across and a fetching shade of cornflower blue palest lavender deep violet has risen slowly to the surface of my skin like a shy, overweight Loch Ness Monster.

Literal Sketch Competition Winners!

Thank you so much to everyone who participated in my Secret Sketch competition! Turnout wasn't as high as I hoped, but every single entry that I received made me very happy, so I just had to give an award to each and every participant (although, yes, there is one overall winner - no peeking)!

There were three different Literal Sketches, so even if you participated, there are two to see that you will not have anticipated.

Let's get started!


Category 1: Burning the Candle at Both Ends.

Most Punnilicious: Scope, burning the Ken Doll at both ends!

Incidentally, I did try to hand out the three categories evenly, but Scope was the only one in this category who ended up doing it.

***

Category 2: Monkey Wrench

Best use of Clip Art: Miss.Chief - just look at this adorable, cheery fellow.



Literal Sketchiest: Mr Condescending - I love that his tail is the wrenching mechanism. Also, the look of unbridled joy on his cute little face!


Most dazed & confused: Cora - Heehee, look at his spirally crazy eye!



Most Surprising Tangent: The Imaginary Reviewer, with a...


... monk-y wrench!

***

Category 3: Badgering the Witness

Most "Wait, is that even a badger?": Words... words... words... - I would hate to be under cross-examination by this evil and ferocious creature! It turns out American badgers are way more bad-ass than British ones.


Most worth handing in at the last minute: Morgan - I love that the bunny looks as if she is being extremely badgered!

And the overall winner is...


Drumroll please.....



Simon - The fact that this looks like a courtroom sketch is genius, but for some reason it's that little outstretched paw that just kills me.







Thank you so much to everyone who played. Maybe I will have to run this again sometime and more people might have a go?

Ladies and gentlemen, please take your Sweet Blogger Awards and display them with pride!

Life Imitates Art, or, The Downfall of Ben Affleck.

While we're waiting for the last few Secret Sketch entries to come in (deadline is Tuesday night, y'all) here is a bit of celebrity-related nonsense to amuse you!


Apparently this guy, Big Lips McGee*, I mean Chris Pine, is in talks to reprise Harrison Ford's famous role as CIA agent Jack Ryan.


Hey wait... it says that Ben Affleck played Jack Ryan too. Does anyone even remember that movie coming out? I sure don't.

Poor old Ben Affleck. I guess when your career pretty much starts with winning an Oscar there's no place but down... No wait, that doesn't work because (a) he was in movies before Good Will Hunting and (b) his good buddy Matt Damon has gone from strength to strength since then.

Remember that scene in Good Will Hunting when Affleck says to Damon that the best part of his day is hoping Damon won't show up because it means he's moved up to a better type of life? I'm starting to think maybe that happened in real life. Damon saw his friend through the whole Bennifer thing, maybe he even still returned Ben's calls after Daredevil, but once he started hanging with Clooney and Pitt he realized that he was never going to truly succeed in life with the Affleck millstone tied around his neck. So he cut his best mate loose, and now Steven Soderbergh is hanging entire movies on him - and Time Magazine is writing about it.

Meanwhile, Affleck is where? At home making babies with Jennifer Garner.

... Well, I guess that's probably not actually that bad of a life. Carry on, Affleck.


*I mean come on. I spent the whole of the new Star Trek movie thinking about two things: how freakishly giant his lips are, and hot damn Leonard Nimoy is old!

Come on!

Hey guys, just a quick one to let you know I decided to give y'all an extension until Tuesday night on the Secret Sketch competition, but please get those entries in because the more there are the more awesome it will be.

And if you haven't entered the competition yet please do, honestly I am not expecting y'all to carve it in fresco or something, just ten minutes with a pencil or pen and I'm sure you could come up with something!!!

So shoot me an email and prepare to bust out your mad art skillz!!!

Competition: Secret Sketch

Are you good at drawing, or at least amusingly bad at Photoshop or similar?

If you would like to be part of my next Literal Sketch post, please email me (address is up there in the Original Drafts badge) to receive your assignment, which you will then illustrate in the manner of your choosing and email to me in JPEG format.

I will choose the winner as soon as I get one that rocks over the weekend, and post them on Monday.

The winner (there may be more than one) gets...

... ummm...

... attention*, pimpage and link love. And a Sweet Blogger Award.


*Sweet, sweet attention, the black tar heroin** of the blogosphere. Mmmm...

**I have no idea what the difference is between regular heroin and black tar heroin, but hot damn, it sounds so much worse!

Reader Poll: White Chocolate

White chocolate is:

a) delicious

b) all right once every six months or so (or if it's the only chocolate available)

c) second only to carob (aka Satan's chocolate) in evilness


Bonus questions:
Non-Aussie, non-American readers: How popular is white chocolate in your country? Do you have Milky Bars (small flat bars of white chocolate) or Cadbury Top Deck (a block with top half white, bottom half milk chocolate)?

American readers: What have you got against white chocolate, eh? Why does it have to have cookie pieces or truffly goo or vanilla bean pieces in it*? Why can't it just be free to be itself?

*Although the Ghirardelli block with vanilla bean stuff in it is rather nice. *smug smile*

************************

In other news, I got an award from the wonderful mysterg over at Meditations in an Emergency:

Mysterg is a really great blogger I discovered recently, and even though I suspect he gave the award to every blog he reads, it does make me smile to think that someone of his talent thinks well of my crazy nonsense. Also it is in Brazilian and French and has a stylish chick on it, which makes it one of the best awards evs. I'm very pleased to add it to my sidebar.

I was going to agonize over who to pass it on to but honestly I adore so many blogs it would either be an unfeasibly long list or I would forget someone and there would be hurt feelings, so just know that I adore your blog.

Yes, yours.

Literal Sketches #3: Heh.

Prologue:
So who would have thought that humble tap water would inspire people to extremely polarized and specific views? Not me, but I'm glad y'all liked it. In fact I have another poll coming up soon. I was a bit sad that the return of Original Drafts was met with the blog equivalent of crickets and tumbleweeds*, but however...

Anyway here is another Literal Sketch for you to guess!

Behold the Crayola-y goodness (you can click on him for a closer look).

Here's a big clue to the answer: notice he is wearing very dignified spectacles. Also, he is not a horse.



*Don't judge me, I know you also measure your self-worth by numbers of blog comments! ...oh, is that really only me?

Original Drafts X

A classic hit, surely.

Reader Poll: Tap Water.

What do you guys think about drinking water straight from the tap in the bathroom sink?

a) Totally fine. It's not like it's the toilet for God's sake.

b) Okay - as long as you drink from your cupped hands or a glass, not just putting your mouth under the tap like a drinking fountain.

c) Only okay for tooth-brushing purposes, and that mostly gets spat out again.

d) From the TAP??!! What are you, some kind of animal?

e) *splutter* *retch* Can't talk, busy looking for some Lysol to gargle with.


Full disclosure: I'm an A-B on this one. Go ahead & judge me.

Literal Sketches #2: This one's easy.

A quick & dirty one for Friday.

Word Power Wednesday.

I am a loquacious, lamentably lachrymose lady.

loquacious: (adj.) very talkative.
ETYMOLOGY: 17c: from Latin loquax, from loqui to speak.

lachrymose: (adj.) literary
1 prone to frequent bouts of crying; liable to cry without much provocation.
2 said of a novel, play, film, etc: very sad; likely to make someone cry.
lachrymosely adverb.
ETYMOLOGY: 17c: from Latin lacrima tear.

I really like these two words, not only because they are very descriptive of me but they are just impressive and good to say.

How would you describe yourself? In the most impressive, alliterative way, please.


(All definitions shamelessly purloined from the Chambers Online Dictionary)

Literal Sketches #1: Guess!

Okay, it's not that hard - blogs are supposed to be fun, not hard work! But if you don't get it, put your mouse over the pic for the answer.

I'm thinking of making this a series, not sure yet if they will all be in the same style or all different or what. I have a few more I think it'd be fun to do.

Awwww... I mean, oh crap, what do I do now?!

So we found out that the scritchy-scratching little bastard vermin in our roof is actually a squirrel.

Not just any squirrel. A momma squirrel with three tiny adorable babas in a leafy nest in the corner of our attic. They have big bobbly heads and tiny pathetic leafy tails, like cartoonish versions of the real thing.

Rats I don't mind trapping, and by trapping I mean killing with spring-loaded traps*. I don't want to do that to squirrels. I would chase them out of the roof and just board that sucker up so they couldn't get back in, but I don't want to chase Momma out because her little darlings aren't old enough to leave the nest yet so they can't go with her.

We've been advised that if we bother them a bit Momma may move them to a safer location, but for now we've just sectioned off that part of the attic.

Damn adorable, precious little bastards.

***
UPDATE: Momma has moved the babies - the squirrels have left the building! Now we just have to figure a way to keep them out...


*Can you tell I just discovered text sizing? heeheehee!

Forgive me Blogger, for I have sinned. Also, ribbit.

I made a jokey comment on another blog that was supposed to be funny but came off as mean. It hurt that blogger's feelings and I feel effing terrible about it, and I'm so sorry.

So in a desperately transparent effort to worm my way back into his good graces, I am breaking my promise to myself to stop pimping out other bloggers (because they're all better than me and all my readers bugger off to their blogs instead of reading mine) to bring you someone who is indeed one of the cool, beautiful people.

Allow me to introduce you to Trinity.

Trinity is awesome because:

1. Trinity is his real name. It's just a freaking cool name. Like a badass video game character or something.

2. The This Book Will Change Your Life Experiment - as he puts it, said Book is "a 365 page instruction manual for adding crazy shit into your life". He performs daily tasks as instructed by the Book and blogs his experiences for your reading pleasure. I don't think I've ever seen anyone do anything like this on a blog, and I really like it! Luckily he writes in an engaging and entertaining way, because even the best story needs to be told right.

There's no way in hell I'd ever do something that requires so much effort and commitment, but this way I can do it vicariously. Yay! It was an easy instant add to my ginormo reading list.

3. He is the soul-twin of my dear friend, ex-blogger The Girl with the Pink Teacup. Anyone Miss Teacup likes is instantly all right in my book, so in a way, Trinity had pre-approval before I even "met" him. She likes him so much she sent him Freddo Frogs, which brings me to the next part...

4. Trinity also goes by the blogger name of Newt the Wonder Frog. Now, a Wonder Frog sounds pretty awesome in itself, but this is because frogs are awesome already and here's why:

• Frogs are the first indicators of an ecosystem going tits-up. If the frogs are gone, everything else is headed for doom.

• Tree frogs are awesome. They look like plastic or rubber but they are real and they have adorable roundy toe pads. Also they get in the shower with you at your friend's house in the Australian bush. Not because they're pervy, but because it's delightfully humid in there, just like a rainforest.

• Poison Dart frogs are awesome. Toxic secretions from their skin are used by the indigenous peoples of Central & South America to poison the tips of blow-darts (wiki here), and also, they come in a delightful Crayola range of colors.

• Frog Princes are a staple of popular culture. No other animal has as much chance of turning into a prince as the frog. It's just a fact. Although there is little to no data on whether His Highness continues to eat flies after gaining human form.

• Freddo Frogs, as mentioned before, are Australian chocolate frogs available either in solid chocolate or filled with various flavors of delicious goo. And y'all know I like my candy.


So there you have it, now go visit Trinity and tell him I sent you and said he was cool, beautiful and awesome! and then please come back and read me.

The Blogisferia Chronicles: Chapter the Seventh

Please note - all Chronicles are stand-alones, you don't have to read any previous chapters to know what's going on.

Indulge me on this one, it's long but heartfelt.

Previous Chapters:
Chapter the First
Chapter the Second
Chapter the Third
Chapter the Fourth
Chapter the Fifth
Chapter the Sixth
*************************************

The Candysoda Tavern was cool & dark, even in the middle of the day. Princess Soda was sitting at the bar, grimly chugging drink after pink frothy drink and demanding more with a small fist slammed into the scarred wood of the bar-top. She glared belligerently around her and muttered foul imprecations under her breath.

A few stools down, Tennyson ee Hemingway the philosopher, in a battered leather hat with a band made of crocodile teeth, was nibbling thoughtfully on a huge slice of pavlova. He turned to the man next to him and said "Strewth Mo, what is the Princess doing in here? I didn't think she was a drinker!"

Mo was a dapper English fellow with a small sticky person in an orange & pink striped onesie clambering about his person. He replied "I only come in on Mo-days, but I heard she's been in here constantly the past few days and has to be carried out at closing time... The odd thing is, those are Shirley Temples she's shotgunning." Having imparted this wisdom, Mo sagely sipped his pint and returned to his favorite task of observing the colorful parade of people passing by the tavern.

Suddenly, down at the end of the bar, there was a puff of smoke and a loud bang. Mjenks the alchemist sat behind the now charred and smoking bar, a maniacal grin on his face. As the smoke cleared, he turned to the curvaceous redhead at his side and murmured "Vix a te videor posse tenere manus!"

Everyone politely averted their eyes from what occurred next.

As a lucky distraction, a commotion occurred that very minute. Outside the tavern, an oddly charming three-wheeled vehicle staggered to a halt in a sputtering cloud of fumes. An elderly gentleman with an impressive beard alighted and shuffled in to sit at the bar.

"You!" shouted the Princess, looking daggers at the old man. "She is lost to us because of you, Simon! Princess Teacup is gone because of your carelessness!" Princess Soda jumped down from the bar-stool, clenching her fists and stamping a tiny foot against the dark hardwood floor.

"I know," sobbed Simon. "And she was the most profitable, er, I mean sweetest, of my myriad illegitimate daughters as well."

Upon seeing his genuine grief, Princess Soda's rage evaporated. She and Simon embraced, and toasted to their dear lost Princess Teacup with huge foamy steins of Byron Bay lemonade.

And to make up for her ill humor, the Princess ordered a giant platter of Tim Tams for everyone in the bar.

*************************************
Tennyson, mo.stoneskin, INdefatigable mjenks & Simon: please accept this fine shield as proof of your Chroniclage.
Teacup my dear, I know you've quit blogging, but please continue to drop in here whenever you want.

How do you blog?

How do you blog?

Do you blog like a frog on a log?
Like a dog playing with Pogs?

Are you turning cogs in the fog
Or dancing in clogs?

Is your mind full of smog
Would you rather go for a jog?

How do you blog?

Namaste, dirtbags.

So the other day I misread Yoga Co-op as Yoga Cop.

Yoga Cop would make a great sitcom.

A big-city detective, retired after some traumatic experience in the line of duty, opens a yoga studio to try to find some inner peace. But after a typo in his newspaper ad, people keep coming to him to solve crimes and he always ends up using yoga to do it. Like maybe he meditates and centers his mind so that the solution can come to him, or he subdues the bad guy by twisting him into some pretzelly position, or discovers the missing bullet casings while doing a quick downward facing dog at the crime scene. Hilarity ensues.

Thomas Haden Church would make an excellent Yoga Cop. He would always be butting heads with the sassy Latina detective who's taken over his old beat. His yoga studio partners would be an elderly burnt-out hippie and a ditzy new-agey girl that would be his love interest.

Would you watch Yoga Cop? Leave your casting and plot suggestions in the comments!

Dear Mr. Leopard...

Dear Mr. Leopard,

Would you mind awfully if I made you into a coat? It's just that your fur is ridiculously beautiful. Even up close it looks almost hand-painted. Are you really just a mountain lion with a talented hairdresser?

If you don't want to be made into a coat, I guess I could settle for keeping you as a pet, but you'd have to consent to wearing a sparkly collar and being patted a lot.

Let me know.

Love,
Soda & Candy

I like words and stuff.

two of my favorite words of the moment:

ineptitude
which I was very excited about as I thought I had invented it to mean the ability to be crap at everything, but in fact it turns out is already a word meaning the quality of being inept. I like it though as it is still the antithesis (ooh another good word!) of aptitude.

troglodyte
it means cave-dweller, and makes a good insult when you don't want to curse and would like to appear pompous.

And in another Survivor-related post...

What would CBS do if there was some kind of natural disaster or freak accident in which all of the Survivors were killed?

"Tonight on Survivor: Some Random Island We Hope You've Forgotten We've Already Been To: A freak tidal wave washes away the camp, and all the Survivors are washed out to sea. Ironically, there are no survivors."

I suppose Jeff would just keep the million.

Make sense? Wanna know what you're playing for?

Survivor is about to be back on for its 27th season. I'm pretty sure Jeff Probst can just go ahead & print his own money now. In fact I imagine his last salary negotiation went something like this:

[SCENE: Interior, CBS boardroom.
Executives sit around a table the size of a swimming pool. JEFF PROBST enters. He is wearing chunky gold rings on each finger, heavy chains about his neck and a floor-length fur coat.]

JEFF PROBST: Fifty virgins by tomorrow, or I walk.

CONCERNED EXECUTIVE: But Jeff...

JEFF PROBST: Ah-bah-bah! [peremptorily waves beringed hand] Fifty.


[FIN]

Fun Size: Trivial Matters.

Why are casino & movie theatre carpets always retina-searingly ugly?

The maxi-dress is the perfect hit-on deterrent. Not even the desperate, toothless hoboes in my neighborhood want to hit on an apparently pregnant chick.

Why do different shoes make your feet smell different? It's the same sweat, right?

Furthermore, why are my most expensive shoes the worst offenders in the odor department?

I feel like a bit of a wanker, writing all these poems.

I have been like sand
Letting everything wash over me
Pass through me
Washing me away grain by grain

Now I picture myself as the rich black earth
The sun gives me heat
The rain nourishes me
And good things will grow.

Over to You: So Over The Moon.

A three part question for you:

1. If you were offered the chance to live in a colony on the moon*, would you do it?

2. If you answered yes, why? If you answered no, why not?

3. What would change your answer to Question 1?


Here are my answers:

1. Hell yes!

2. Duh, it's the freaking moon. But to give a fuller answer, I think it would be awesome to be part of something that unusual and historic (in a context where the moon was the first place humans lived other than Earth). And it would be cool to look out of my window at Earth.

3. I would not go if we had to all wear the same outfit all the time.


*Under a dome or something, I'm not a scientist.