Dear Mr. Complete Stranger in the Street*,
No, I do not want a ride in your vehicle. I learned not to get into a stranger's car when I was five years old.
No, I'm not telling you my name or number, and no, I'm not telling you where I live, or work, or where I'm going right now. You do not have the right to that information. Being female in a public street does not make me public property. Furthermore, none of these questions are appropriate conversation starters.
No, I am not flattered by you shouting at me from across the road that I am sexy, or by you muttering under your breath about physical acts you would like to perform with me. It is threatening, dehumanizing and offensive for you to reduce me to an object that exists for your commentary.
No, your (loudly expressed) opinion of my body or parts thereof does not entitle you to any of my attention. I am not being rude when I, paralyzed and fearful, pretend I did not hear what you said, you are being rude by saying it.
No, I do not have time for you. Regardless of whether my "man" would "trip" over it. I resent the implication that my man's opinion is the one that matters in this instance.
I resent that you made me feel that I had to let you know I was married to ensure my physical safety, because I knew from past experience that my own clear disinterest was not sufficient for you to leave me alone. You cross the line into being a clear threat to my safety when neither my polite disinterest nor even the fact of my marriage (read: unavailability) is enough to stop you from following me down the (otherwise empty) street and making further comments about my physical appearance.
I would love to be able to say "Sorry, I am not interested in you", but I know if I do, you will at least call me a bitch, and potentially become aggressive and physically threatening.
I hate that my concern for my physical safety in the moment means I have done nothing to dissuade you from harassing me and other women again.
*Note: This is an amalgam of too many street encounters both recent and past. This doesn't just happen to me, either. If you want to get angry, go to hollabackdc.wordpress.com. And can I also point out, street harassment has negative consequences for men too, because we women learn to mistrust and treat every man as a potential scumbag - if we don't, the ones who are scumbags interpret it as interest and encouragement, and it is not worth risking my safety to spare your feelings.
numer darowizny: SRTF/067/SWD .
1 month ago
27 comments:
What women need to do is band together, and find the one woman that this behavior worked on, and beat the crap out of her.
It had to have worked at least one time for the idiots to keep trying it, right? Because you would think that if something failed miserably over and over again they would eventually tire of it, and move on (like Lindsay Lohen star vehicles).
Scope - You are very wise, sir. It MUST have worked on SOMEONE for this many dudes to do it!
That is really sucky. I can't imagine what it is like to be talked to like that. But maybe that is because even if women did this it would not be entirely unwelcome to a man.
I have a friend who always asks if someone goes to the bathroom in groups and asks if anyone wants to go there with her. I think it's really weird that she wants people to go to the BATHROOM with her.
And when I ask her why she says "you never know, you might be, like, attacked by some random guy in there."
I'll bet Mr S&C is furious. I am too.
Trinity - It might be if they were the equivalent calibre of the jerks I'm talking about. Trust, it's not flattering.
β - What kind of bathrooms is she going into?! But hey, whatever feels safe.
Mo - Thanks : ) All men should be!
β - If this wasn't a serious conversation, I would make a "Ben Roethlisberger" comment about your friend being right. But it is, so I won't.
I feel I have to apologize for being a guy. I am so sorry there are so many losers out there that do this shit.
Scope - But you still did bring it up. Ewwww (at Roethlisberger ALLEGEDLY). But sometimes the best way to cope with a horrifying fact is to laugh...
SkyDad - Thanks : ) You don't have to apologize for being a guy, but if you ever see a dude letting your side down, I'm sure the ladies would appreciate you stepping up (that goes for all you guys out there).
I think it's ok to do one unsolicited comment in an actual social setting, but only once, moving along quickly if any kind of negative reaction.
Sure as hell not following a lady down the street...
I used to live somewhere near to a read light area. Used to be rather irritated when guys would ask me into their car.
Here, here. I can't tell you how many of my male friends have commented that they would LOVE it if a woman spoke like this to them. The truth is that they wouldn't... no one would. Being reduced to the parts of one's sum isn't welcome, flattering, sexy or an ego-boost. It's insulting, degrading and puts people of both genders on the defensive.
Eric - I believe the key words there are "in a social setting"*. Walking down the street does not qualify! I am sure that you know how to speak to a lady respectfully in any case.
*Although the content of the comment is also important. Do not mention specific body parts, it's crass.
Madame DeF - Right? It's like "Do I LOOK like the sort of woman that would go for that nonsense?"
Miss Randell - Ugh, I KNOW. Men have said stuff like that to me too. I think it's because they are imagining being approached in a nice way by a woman they find physically attractive, which is not an accurate read of the situation, and because they wouldn't (generally) worry that the woman would actually be able to physically overpower, coerce or harm them. Or they say some variant on "Hur hur, well it's your fault for being pretty." No it's effing not. Someone else having no self control is not my fault and shouldn't be a source of anxiety every time I walk down the public street.
/rant
Sorry, I thought the window was up.
Coop - Hahahahahaha, that would help! If you're gonna make comments at least make them privately. I can't control your thoughts...yet.
You know, I don't think this had to have worked for men to keep doing it. People will do irrational things all the time because they believe they'll work against all odds. Just look at the lottery.
WWW - Hahaha, very good point!
So many scumbags in the world. I remember one day last summer, I was walking home and this really old dude (he had to have been in his 70s) started shuffling slowly behind me with his cane, following me going, "Pretty feet...pretty feet...wanna suck them toes..." I just kept walking but was ready to turn around and tell him that I was gonna shove that cane up his crusty old ass if he didn't shut the hell up. Problem is, he might have enjoyed that.
BeckEye - EEEEeuuuuww. I mean, what do these pervs think? Do they really imagine us turning around and going "Ooh yes please!"
one day my sisters and i were walking down the street and a bunch of guys were trying to "speak arabic" to us in order to get our attention. (we're not even arab) so stupid.
great post. :)
CA - Ugh, as if it wasn't bad enough! I can only imagine how much worse it is with a side dish of racism!
Oh my gosh! I loved reading this, but I hate that it happens. It is so annoying and so uncomfortable. SO not flattering. And like you said- what exactly are they thinking, that we are going to stop in our tracks and get naked? Idiots.
Viv - Hi, thanks! It is definitely NOT flattering, I have even been accosted while wearing filthy sweatpants and no makeup, so it has nothing to do with looks! I almost laughed in the dude's face, I was like Really? How desperate are you?!
Oh God, yep. Been there. The worst was when I worked in a couple of clothing stores and the guys would come in and try to hit on me there. At. Work. Gah!
Feeling stalked and unsafe AT WORK is really uncomfortable. I was worried every damn night walking out in the dark to my car. I even had one guy follow me around the store until I went and hid out in the breakroom just to get away.... but guess what he did next? He called the store an hour later and told me he saw down my shirt when I bent over and it turned him on, etc, and he wanted to know what time I got off work!!
*shudder*
I found a new line of work ASAP.
Cora - Oh no! I am glad you got out of there! What a creep!
True words, lady.
Some commiseration: http://www.hannahmiet.com/2009/03/im-drinking-redbull-cause-i-want-your.html
Hannah - Yes, sadly. Thank you for that link, you are a bomb-ass writer and I love it!
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