Over To You: Mad Blogs V

I haven't done a Mad Blog for a while but people seemed to like them and let's face it, I owe you a decent post after all the dodgy poetry and other half-assed nonsense I've been posting lately*! Here we go!
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If you don't already know (like if you've been reading my blog for less than six months which is the last time I did one), Mad Blogs™ is the blog version of Mad Libs:

1. I give you a list of blanks to fill
2. You respond with your filler words in the comments
3. I pick my favorite set of answers after an arbitrarily assigned a predetermined length of time. I guess like four days from time of posting oughta do it.
   
4. I post the completed Mad Blog™ and a Sweet Blogger award for the winner/s.
   

Here is the list of blanks:
adjective ending in -est
location
man's first name
color
historical era
celebrity
publication
adjective
type of dwelling
period of time
color
animal
number
ethnicity
piece of furniture
noun
plural noun
vegetable


*With the notable exception of Miss Vegetable Assassin's darling honky cracker, of course.

Longing.

I stood up straight suddenly, whatever I was doing forgotten
pierced through the heart with a sudden intense longing for that place
The place I used to live

The stale smell of the city held inside the bus
inside my lungs
until I stepped out at the beach
The wind blowing in off the ocean
whipping sand at my legs
Salt in the air - taste it, breathe its freshness.

The waves were turquoise glitter by day, soft black oil at night.

I still live near to the sea (I don't think I could ever live far from shore)
But it's not the same shore, not the same sea
So I longed for that place I used to live.

Literal Sketches - Guest Sketcher!

While I'm busy doing all kinds of uninteresting stuff, the Vegetable Assassin has kindly stepped into the breach with this wonderful Literal Sketch.

I guess a good clue is that it describes me, in a way (if that's not a good enough clue, put your mouse over the image, the answer is in the hovertext).

A Terrifying Tale for Halloween.

Hey peeps. I'm not gonna be around the blogosphere next week. Stupid adulthood and its attendant responsibilities. So if I don't comment on your posts, it doesn't mean that I don't adore you like a fat kid loves cake. If anyone wants to write me a guest post, y'all know where to email me at...

...crap, I probably should have sold that prospect a little more. Tell you what, make it about soda, candy or some other delicious foodstuffs and there's a Sweet Blogger Award in it for ya.

In the meantime, I'm leaving you with a tale of terror I wrote to put you in the mood for Halloween shenanigans.

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He cursed himself. How could he have been so foolish as to dabble in the black arts, of which he had so little understanding?

The foul creature he had summoned to do his bidding was relentless and completely out of his control now. In desperation, he seized his axe and hacked the creature to pieces, showing no mercy. He sliced and chopped away until tiny, unrecognizable pieces covered the floor.

Finally convinced that it was destroyed, he went into the other room. He sank into his chair, panting with exertion. The ordeal was over. He closed his eyes in silent thanks, letting out a sigh of relief.

But wait! What was that sound? A horrible rustling filled him with dread. It couldn't be! Surely he had killed that... thing?

Dear God, no! Each tiny sliver he had cut from it had awoken and grown into an exact copy of the original monster! He had unwittingly created an army of evil beings, now grimly marching back and forth about their work. In vain he tried to stop them, but they simply ignored him, jostling him, scratching and trampling him in their relentless journey from the fountain to the well and back again. In their mindless determination, they began to flood the room with water.

The tides swirled and rose around him and he panicked, grasping a book of magic that floated past and desperately searching for a spell to end this terror. He was fighting to stay afloat when he became caught in a vortex and began to scream for help.

His master, finally aroused from his slumber, came to see what was happening. Bristling with rage, he quickly dismissed the flood waters and the evil creatures, before demanding his magical hat from his grateful but terrified apprentice...







... And Mickey never abused the dark arts again.

On Growing Old, or, The Little Tomato

The little tomato wept
She was no longer firm and smooth
She was becoming soft in the middle
And truth be told
A few wrinkles were beginning
To make themselves known.

A big tomato looked down at her and said kindly
"Never mind my dear,
For when you were young and green,
You were no use to anyone
But now you are ripe and delicious."

Halloween Schmalloween.

Halloween is just around the corner!

The vast majority of Australians do not celebrate Halloween. Trick or treating is virtually unheard of. If you don't have small children, who might do some Halloween-themed coloring-in at school, you probably wouldn't even notice it coming and going. So I don't have the cultural connection to it or the emotional history that Americans who've grown up in this tradition might have.

As I remarked some time ago on the Caped Tirader's blog, I like candy (understatement of the year?) but costumes etc. are a bit too much effort for me.

So I propose a new holiday (I can hear the retailers salivating now):

Laze-O-Ween.

It's the lazy version of Halloween! Here, let me show you by comparison:

Halloween: Door-to-door traipsing around the neighbourhood
Laze-O-Ween: Lying prone in the comfiest chair in your house. Preferably a La-Z-Boy - they'd be the perfect Laze-O-Ween sponsors!

Halloween: Elaborate and potentially expensive costumes require thought and effort.
Laze-O-Ween: No costumes, you just wear your undies and a wifebeater. You're in your own home after all.

Halloween: You must buy large amounts of crowd-pleasing, individually wrapped candies.
Laze-O-Ween: You buy however much you want of the candy you like best.

Halloween: American culture dictates that you must give the aforementioned candy away to complete strangers just because they knock on your door and they're so little and adorable in their teeny weeny costumes!!!
Laze-O-Ween: You turn the TV up to drown out the sound of the doorbell, consume all the candy yourself over the course of the evening and fall asleep in a delicious sugar haze, nestled amongst the discarded wrappers.

See? Laze-O-Ween is much better!

What Halloween tradition would you improve with a Laze-o-Ween twist?

Bruises

How is it that I can get:

• a mystery bruise from god-knows-what on my wrist and another on my upper arm
• a constellation of mystery bruises on my right leg
• a big purple bruise on the front of my ankle where I banged it on my desk
• a horrible junkie-bruise in the crook of my elbow(which lasted a week) from having blood drawn
  
• assorted bruises on both legs at desk and coffee table height

but after I slipped, both feet flying out from under me cartoon-style, to land heavily on my left hip on the rock-hard tiles of the kitchen floor, not even the slightest discoloration has shown up the next day?

***

I actually wrote this a few days ago but had other stuff scheduled... In the meantime, a bruise about two inches across and a fetching shade of cornflower blue palest lavender deep violet has risen slowly to the surface of my skin like a shy, overweight Loch Ness Monster.