Maybe if he was called Totally Innocent Whale, but uh...

Okay so first of all I am sorry for being a crappy blog-friend and not reading all your completely brilliant blog posts lately. Trust me, it's not you, it's me. I'll try to do better if you'll just give me another chance... Here, see these Krispy Kremes I bought you? A dozen of your favorite flavor.

...Second of all, have y'all heard about the killer whale at SeaWorld that dragged his trainer under by her ponytail and drowned her? Oh, they tried to lull us into a false sense of security by calling themselves orcas, but it didn't take. Apparently this same critter had been involved in two other deaths as well, and SeaWorld is still acting like everything will be fine and he's not being kept away from people or whatever. (Or whatever? Great writing skills there, S&C. Don't give up your day job, honey).

Basically don't answer any Help Wanted ads at SeaWorld, is what I'm saying.

Remember the tiger that tried to maul Siegfried-or-Roy, and that surrogate-baby monkey that, like, ate someone's face? When will people learn? I mean, we cat-owners know that our cats would eat our corpses, but at least they'll wait until we die first. Hooray for domestication!

Travel tip

If the airport you're leaving from has a decent duty free section, go in and find the most expensive face moisturizer that has a tester available, and discreetly slather your face in it.
That one that's made out of, like, stem cells & lamb DNA should work, but the one I used was an some kind of organic, plant-based, thin greenish goo.
My face was still baby-soft, like, 26 hours and 3 planes later. Usually I get so dried out I look flaky as hell and wrinkled like a dried apricot.


What's your best travel tip?

Fashion forward, me.

Today I am sporting a glamorous ensemble of:

• vintage polar fleece top with custom grubbiness at cuffs and pockets

• mildly distressed t-shirt

• sweatpants with delicate all-over pilling, subtle remnants of the original screenprint motif and drawstrings gently chewed by a feline stylist

• sneakers wittily inspired by the stylings of rather more expensive sneakers, and accented with"paint-splatter" detail

All this paired with the fresh, natural "no make-up" look and the "messy" bun hairdo seen on runways throughout Fashion Week!

What's your Sunday best?

a love letter

How do I love thee? Let me count the ways...

you're so smooth
havarti

you ooze with charm
brie

you sound tough but really you're a big softie
monterey jack

it's endearing the way you squeak when I bite you
haloumi

you crumble at my touch
colby

even when you're so sharp it makes me wince, I can't help but love you
vintage cheddar


(Hint: highlight all the text to read between the lines)

What's the business?

Ice cold Dr Pepper is the business.

Unexpected windfalls involving cheeseburgers are the business.

Watching a movie you suspect is going to be a bit crap and then it turns out completely awesome is the business.

Sunshowers are the business.

Watching a kitten fall off the couch, backwards, attached by her claws to (what is now) the underside of a toppling cushion, with a surprised look on her tiny little face, is the business.

What's the business in your world?


PS - Does anyone want to write a lovely, family-friendly guest post for me? Clearly, I need the help.

Over to You: Sports Saturday (not a typo)

I'm not big on sports in general. I'm crap at playing them, and watching them on TV makes my eyelid twitch with boredom.

I do like going to see the odd live game though. I have been to see (Aussie) football, baseball and just recently ice hockey. It still depends on the sport; I'm pretty sure tennis would be cool too but cricket or American football would send me into a coma.

The ice hockey was actually a good experience. They were college teams, fairly talented and pretty closely matched, which is good. If you have no loyalty to either team it's not so interesting to see one of them get demolished.

They have all kinds of rules I was completely unaware of, but I didn't need to know about them. All you need to know is (1) get the puck into the right goal, and (2) bash the crap out of the guys in the other shirts, hopefully while the ref is not looking.

I'm not a particularly violent person but there was something very satisfying about large blokes sliding about and smacking into each other.

Also we were not close enough to see any blood if there was any, although one guy did stand up and yell "Take off your skate and slash his neck!" I'm pretty sure he was kidding... right?!

What about you, dear readers?
What sports do you like?
Do you prefer watching on TV, watching live or (*shudder*) playing them yourself?

Original Drafts XII

This one was suggested by Mr. & Candy, who has been listening to a lot of old music lately.