Maybe if he was called Totally Innocent Whale, but uh...

Okay so first of all I am sorry for being a crappy blog-friend and not reading all your completely brilliant blog posts lately. Trust me, it's not you, it's me. I'll try to do better if you'll just give me another chance... Here, see these Krispy Kremes I bought you? A dozen of your favorite flavor.

...Second of all, have y'all heard about the killer whale at SeaWorld that dragged his trainer under by her ponytail and drowned her? Oh, they tried to lull us into a false sense of security by calling themselves orcas, but it didn't take. Apparently this same critter had been involved in two other deaths as well, and SeaWorld is still acting like everything will be fine and he's not being kept away from people or whatever. (Or whatever? Great writing skills there, S&C. Don't give up your day job, honey).

Basically don't answer any Help Wanted ads at SeaWorld, is what I'm saying.

Remember the tiger that tried to maul Siegfried-or-Roy, and that surrogate-baby monkey that, like, ate someone's face? When will people learn? I mean, we cat-owners know that our cats would eat our corpses, but at least they'll wait until we die first. Hooray for domestication!

Free Carlos!!! I'll give you candy! Guaranteed.*

Join me, won't you, in the campaign to save this adorable beagle basset hound (duh, S&C) and his freakishly stumpy legs?



Fantastic lady blogger, Miss Yvonne, wants nothing more than to save his droopy little punim from certain clinical depression by adopting him into the squishy bosom of her family, but Captain Carl, her (I assume) ruggedly handsome sea-captain husband, is resisting (boo hiss), so Miss Yvonne needs all the bloggerly help she can get to bring Carlos Spicy Wiener home for Christmas, I mean New Year's. (There is already an official badge, but you know me, I like to do my own art)

So get over there and join the campaign!!!


*Not a guarantee.

Awwww... I mean, oh crap, what do I do now?!

So we found out that the scritchy-scratching little bastard vermin in our roof is actually a squirrel.

Not just any squirrel. A momma squirrel with three tiny adorable babas in a leafy nest in the corner of our attic. They have big bobbly heads and tiny pathetic leafy tails, like cartoonish versions of the real thing.

Rats I don't mind trapping, and by trapping I mean killing with spring-loaded traps*. I don't want to do that to squirrels. I would chase them out of the roof and just board that sucker up so they couldn't get back in, but I don't want to chase Momma out because her little darlings aren't old enough to leave the nest yet so they can't go with her.

We've been advised that if we bother them a bit Momma may move them to a safer location, but for now we've just sectioned off that part of the attic.

Damn adorable, precious little bastards.

***
UPDATE: Momma has moved the babies - the squirrels have left the building! Now we just have to figure a way to keep them out...


*Can you tell I just discovered text sizing? heeheehee!

Forgive me Blogger, for I have sinned. Also, ribbit.

I made a jokey comment on another blog that was supposed to be funny but came off as mean. It hurt that blogger's feelings and I feel effing terrible about it, and I'm so sorry.

So in a desperately transparent effort to worm my way back into his good graces, I am breaking my promise to myself to stop pimping out other bloggers (because they're all better than me and all my readers bugger off to their blogs instead of reading mine) to bring you someone who is indeed one of the cool, beautiful people.

Allow me to introduce you to Trinity.

Trinity is awesome because:

1. Trinity is his real name. It's just a freaking cool name. Like a badass video game character or something.

2. The This Book Will Change Your Life Experiment - as he puts it, said Book is "a 365 page instruction manual for adding crazy shit into your life". He performs daily tasks as instructed by the Book and blogs his experiences for your reading pleasure. I don't think I've ever seen anyone do anything like this on a blog, and I really like it! Luckily he writes in an engaging and entertaining way, because even the best story needs to be told right.

There's no way in hell I'd ever do something that requires so much effort and commitment, but this way I can do it vicariously. Yay! It was an easy instant add to my ginormo reading list.

3. He is the soul-twin of my dear friend, ex-blogger The Girl with the Pink Teacup. Anyone Miss Teacup likes is instantly all right in my book, so in a way, Trinity had pre-approval before I even "met" him. She likes him so much she sent him Freddo Frogs, which brings me to the next part...

4. Trinity also goes by the blogger name of Newt the Wonder Frog. Now, a Wonder Frog sounds pretty awesome in itself, but this is because frogs are awesome already and here's why:

• Frogs are the first indicators of an ecosystem going tits-up. If the frogs are gone, everything else is headed for doom.

• Tree frogs are awesome. They look like plastic or rubber but they are real and they have adorable roundy toe pads. Also they get in the shower with you at your friend's house in the Australian bush. Not because they're pervy, but because it's delightfully humid in there, just like a rainforest.

• Poison Dart frogs are awesome. Toxic secretions from their skin are used by the indigenous peoples of Central & South America to poison the tips of blow-darts (wiki here), and also, they come in a delightful Crayola range of colors.

• Frog Princes are a staple of popular culture. No other animal has as much chance of turning into a prince as the frog. It's just a fact. Although there is little to no data on whether His Highness continues to eat flies after gaining human form.

• Freddo Frogs, as mentioned before, are Australian chocolate frogs available either in solid chocolate or filled with various flavors of delicious goo. And y'all know I like my candy.


So there you have it, now go visit Trinity and tell him I sent you and said he was cool, beautiful and awesome! and then please come back and read me.

Dear Mr. Leopard...

Dear Mr. Leopard,

Would you mind awfully if I made you into a coat? It's just that your fur is ridiculously beautiful. Even up close it looks almost hand-painted. Are you really just a mountain lion with a talented hairdresser?

If you don't want to be made into a coat, I guess I could settle for keeping you as a pet, but you'd have to consent to wearing a sparkly collar and being patted a lot.

Let me know.

Love,
Soda & Candy

Over To You: Which Would You Be?

Would you rather be a pet:

dog
cat
bird
or
fish
?

I vote cat, because they sleep for 16 hours a day and do whatever the hell they feel like for the other 8, and people still love them a lot. I would be a nice petite black cat with a white chest and white socks, because it's classy and black goes with everything.