Real Car Scents

Confirmed Bachelor
The ladies will be sure to know you're oh-so-available when they catch a whiff of this vague, mildewy scent with subtle undertones of Parmesan and gym socks.

Axe™ Miasma
Works on your car just like it does on your body! Drench your ride in an overpowering musk of hormones and desperation.

Nicotine Fug
Want to appear cooler to your friends? More stressed out to your boss or colleagues? Fill your car with the all-pervading, persistent aroma of two packs a day.

Playgroup
Just because you don't drive a minivan doesn't mean your vehicle can't have that soaked-in essence of apple juice, cookie crumbs and warm urine.

Calling all girls!

Ladies:

Do you secretly (or not-so-secretly) like to read books that have hot pink covers with curly writing and impossibly slender cartoon chicks on the front?

Does this somewhat less than intellectual literary proclivity embarrass and delight you at the same time?

Do you have a hectic schedule or a short attention span that only allows you to read a chapter at a time?

Do you like blogs with awesome names?

If you answered "hells yes!" to all of the above, Ninja Sex Pants (check out that URL name, best evs) is the blog for you. Moonkee writes a Cheesy Bookstore Romance (her words, not mine!!!) serialized in blog form. She explains it like this:

In 1996 I started writing a cheesy romance. I was working at Waldenbooks then and saw daily what utter crap was selling like hotcakes. (See "Throwing 'The Horse Whisperer' across the room upon completion, circa 1996.")
This is the result, as far as I got with it.

Now remember, this was written to make fun of other books. The initial idea was to take something exceedingly dull and cheese it up. I believe that when it's done right, this could be termed something along the lines of "farce" or "satire." But fear not! I promise that you will find no such thing in the reality that is CBR. You'll want to start with the first posting, April 25. And by "want" we all know I mean "will do it to make her feel better and staunch the flow of approval-seeking e-mail before it starts."

Unfortunately, Moonkee has allowed real life to interfere with posting the next chapter. I know, right?! So I'm counting on y'all to get over there (in the interest of doing my bidding, go to that link before you go to Chapter 1) and beg shout at coerce encourage her to continue writing!!!

I need my next chapter, people!

Moonkee, I'm not above bribery. Please accept this shiny new Sweet Blogger (Redux) Award* as prepayment for my next chapter!!!



*I don't know who all I've given this award to but if you have the old one, please feel free to take this one as an upgrade!
On a side note, I'm kind of annoyed because the colors are showing up much more blue/purple and wishy-washy when I upload it than they are in the original file, but I still think it's better than the old one. Does anyone know why the color looks perfect when I Save For Web in Photoshop and then changes when I upload it to Blogger?

The sky.

The sky was blue for the first time in days, but the bus still smelled like unwashed bodies and despair.

I'd write more posts but...

...I'm sitting in a quaint little café in Paris, eating a fresh baguette with thick slices of creamy, decadent brie, admiring my new Christian Louboutin stilettos and Hermès silk scarf...

...I'm gliding along the canals of Venice in a gondola laden with Italian shoes and beautiful Murano glass, daintily nibbling on delicious lemon, blood-orange and pannacotta gelato...

...I'm in Hong Kong being measured for a tailor-made hot pink cheongsam, drinking jasmine tea and eating fluffy white barbecue pork buns, giggling at the antics of my new pet baby panda...

...I'm on a Tahitian beach, lying on an enormous towel under the shade of a coconut palm, being lulled to sleep by the waves lapping the shore and the soothing scent of tropical flowers on the breeze while my monkey butler fetches me freshly squeezed pineapple and orange juice...


...I'm at home sick, achey, nauseous and sorely lacking in blogly inspiration (thanks to Gwen for giving me this idea!)

How about you guys?

Gingernuts.

It's well documented around these parts that red-headed ladies are extremely attractive and highly sought-after. There are more flame-haired vixens saucing up the blogosphere than you can shake a stick at*.

In the world of celebrity, Lindsay Lohan and Nicole Kidman were notable gingers, but have lost most of that cachet through love affairs with the peroxide bottle. Julianne Moore and Bryce Dallas Howard enjoy the porcelain skin that comes with copper tresses, and it's no coincidence Jessica Rabbit's locks were crimson-tinted. Red hair is flaming hot on the ladies.

But what about the menfolk? Are there any attractive Titian-coiffed gentlemen?

Discuss.

*I was going to make a bunch of links there, but I knew I'd miss someone and y'all know it's No More Tears time lately in S&C land, so feel free to identify yourselves in the comments, carrot-tops!

Unrecommended Viewing: Crank 2 - High Voltage

Crank 2: High Voltage is not the worst movie ever.


It's just really, really close to it.

I know what you're going to say - "But Soda & Candy, Jason Statham takes his shirt off!"
This is very true, but he does that in literally every movie he's in, and all of them are a gazillion times better than Crank: High Voltage.

Full disclosure: I enjoyed the first Crank movie. The "plot" was ridiculous, the dialogue was ordinary and the acting was sub-par, but it was cheeky and reasonably fun and I seem to remember the action sequences being decent, which let's face it is the selling point of most Statham movies.

Crank: High Voltage on the other hand, had terrible plot, dialogue and acting, but the action was also super ordinary, not to mention the bonus graphic sexualized violence, racism, homophobia and just incredibly-high-level misogyny which I don't seem to remember the first one having.

What's your worst movie ever?

Gettin' all Pollyanna up in this piece.

They say when you point the finger at someone else, three fingers are pointing right back at you. Kind of a physical manifestation of judge not, lest ye be judged, or do unto others as you would have them do unto you.

I don't enjoy conflict, drama or negativity, so I'm going to make sure I'm not part of bringing those things into the blogosphere from here on in*. There are ample opportunities to experience horribleness in real life, let's keep it out of here!

I just want this blog to be a happy place where everyone feels safe and I can talk with my friends.

So how are you guys going? What would you like to drink? Here, have some lamingtons.


*Snark doesn't count. So don't be afraid to talk smack about celebrities or whatever!