The Blogisferia Chronicles: Chapter the Seventh

Please note - all Chronicles are stand-alones, you don't have to read any previous chapters to know what's going on.

Indulge me on this one, it's long but heartfelt.

Previous Chapters:
Chapter the First
Chapter the Second
Chapter the Third
Chapter the Fourth
Chapter the Fifth
Chapter the Sixth
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The Candysoda Tavern was cool & dark, even in the middle of the day. Princess Soda was sitting at the bar, grimly chugging drink after pink frothy drink and demanding more with a small fist slammed into the scarred wood of the bar-top. She glared belligerently around her and muttered foul imprecations under her breath.

A few stools down, Tennyson ee Hemingway the philosopher, in a battered leather hat with a band made of crocodile teeth, was nibbling thoughtfully on a huge slice of pavlova. He turned to the man next to him and said "Strewth Mo, what is the Princess doing in here? I didn't think she was a drinker!"

Mo was a dapper English fellow with a small sticky person in an orange & pink striped onesie clambering about his person. He replied "I only come in on Mo-days, but I heard she's been in here constantly the past few days and has to be carried out at closing time... The odd thing is, those are Shirley Temples she's shotgunning." Having imparted this wisdom, Mo sagely sipped his pint and returned to his favorite task of observing the colorful parade of people passing by the tavern.

Suddenly, down at the end of the bar, there was a puff of smoke and a loud bang. Mjenks the alchemist sat behind the now charred and smoking bar, a maniacal grin on his face. As the smoke cleared, he turned to the curvaceous redhead at his side and murmured "Vix a te videor posse tenere manus!"

Everyone politely averted their eyes from what occurred next.

As a lucky distraction, a commotion occurred that very minute. Outside the tavern, an oddly charming three-wheeled vehicle staggered to a halt in a sputtering cloud of fumes. An elderly gentleman with an impressive beard alighted and shuffled in to sit at the bar.

"You!" shouted the Princess, looking daggers at the old man. "She is lost to us because of you, Simon! Princess Teacup is gone because of your carelessness!" Princess Soda jumped down from the bar-stool, clenching her fists and stamping a tiny foot against the dark hardwood floor.

"I know," sobbed Simon. "And she was the most profitable, er, I mean sweetest, of my myriad illegitimate daughters as well."

Upon seeing his genuine grief, Princess Soda's rage evaporated. She and Simon embraced, and toasted to their dear lost Princess Teacup with huge foamy steins of Byron Bay lemonade.

And to make up for her ill humor, the Princess ordered a giant platter of Tim Tams for everyone in the bar.

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Tennyson, mo.stoneskin, INdefatigable mjenks & Simon: please accept this fine shield as proof of your Chroniclage.
Teacup my dear, I know you've quit blogging, but please continue to drop in here whenever you want.

The Blogisferia Chronicles: Chapter the Sixth

This Caring and Sharing Week chapter of the Chronicles is dedicated to two bloggers who cared enough to volunteer to be Chronicled!
One is a blog homie from way back, featured this week because I have won a prize at his blog!!! I hardly ever win things (seriously, the one from Gwen and this one... that's about it in my life), so I'm very happy, even though it was pure chance and nothing to do with my (admittedly vast) talents! My other lovely volunteer inadvertently gave me the idea for the storyline.

Previous Chapters:
Chapter the First
Chapter the Second
Chapter the Third
Chapter the Fourth
Chapter the Fifth
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Princess Soda was returning home from one of her frequent sojourns to visit other Blogisferians when suddenly her vehicle stopped in the forest, dipping sharply on the right side and causing fruit flavored Mentos to roll everywhere. She peeked out to see what was the matter.

"Oh great, looks like the right front wheel is rooted." she grumbled.

"Princess Soda, with all due respect, I wish you'd stop referring to your palanquin carriers as 'wheels'" gasped the man who had been in the right front position, now struggling to catch his breath.

"Che cosa fai? Eric, it's not my fault you got yourself into debt buying up all of Candysoda's rare pink marble for your sculptures and mosaics. And here in Candysoda, you know debt translates into indentured servitude."

"Yo, what am I up in this bizzle for then? You know I gots the skills to pay the bills." spoke a voice from the rear of the palanquin.

"Joshlos, you published a very unflattering picture of me in the Candysoda Herald. Technically that's punishable by death, so you're getting off easy, son."

"Your Highness, you know I came to Candysoda for the honeys, and I haven't seen -"

Suddenly, the trees around them began rustling and whispering. A crowd of ethereally beautiful young women with long green hair and flowing (yet surprisingly revealing) robes began to approach them from amongst the trees.

They surrounded the palanquin and its bearers.

"Oh snap! Dryads!" cried the Princess.

"Prrrrrincessssss Soooooodaaaa..." rustled the wood-nymphs, "we wisssshhhhhh theeeese men to come with ussssssss... it issss our right to claim theeem if they do not objeeeeect..."

Naturally, Eric and Joshlos made no objection, simply staring in open-mouthed shock at the beautiful women surrounding them, although Princess Soda swore she heard one of the men whispering "daaaaaamn!". They were spirited away into the forest.

"Bugger. How am I supposed to get back to the castle now?"



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Thanks for volunteering and giving me plot inspiration, boys.
Don't say I never do nothin' for ya ; )

The Blogisferia Chronicles: Chapter the Fifth

Previous Chapters:
Chapter the First
Chapter the Second
Chapter the Third
Chapter the Fourth
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"Candysoda Castle is under attack!!!"

Princess Soda almost choked on a Reese's Peanut Butter Cup as a visibly distressed courtier ran into the throne room screaming.

"TishTash the Warrior Queen and her hordes are headed right for us!"

Princess Soda rushed to the balcony and looked out. Sure enough, she saw a tiny woman dressed in head-to toe black leather stomping towards the castle gate. She was followed by an unruly mob of warriors similarly clad in black leather, shouting insults and lashing out at passersby as they came.

The courtier followed the Princess out onto the balcony.

"They say she's called TishTash because that's the noise her scimitar makes as she cuts you open! You know - " and here he broke off to slash an X in the air with his hand "tish! tash!"

A man in the street below shouted something at TishTash, to which she clearly took offense, because the next thing they knew, she appeared to be performing some kind of ritualistic dance, which ended with rather a lot of high kicks aimed at the poor fellow's most precious regions. She walked over his prone body and continued on her way.

"Don't be such a baby. It's just her way. Obviously she's just here to collect her tribute." sighed the Princess.
"Quickly, prepare a large pallet of cans of Coke. About eight hundred. I'll take care of the rest."

A short time later, Princess Soda received the Warrior Queen in her throne room. TishTash stalked in on what must have been seven inch heels, yet she was still only slightly taller than the Princess. Her belligerent countenance, multiple piercings, tattoos and a voluminous jet-black mohawk could not disguise her exquisite beauty.

"Hello Tishy dear. My people should be loading you up with Coke cans right about now, but here's the real tribute."

The Princess handed a small chest of dark engraved wood to the Warrior Queen. TishTash opened it to find an exquisite pair of black patent-leather thigh-high stiletto boots with just the right number of buckles and straps to maintain an aura of menace.

"That's the stuff! Thanks Soda!"

"No worries Tish, see you next year!"

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Thanks for volunteering, my dear TishTash! See, you got your very own chapter because of it!
Let that be a lesson to the rest of you.

The Blogisferia Chronicles: Chapter the Fourth

This post is a special gift for two lovely lady bloggers who've recently celebrated their birthdays...


Previous Chapters:
Chapter the First
Chapter the Second
Chapter the Third
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Princess Soda needed help, so she summoned two of her favorite witches to ask them to find a solution.

Trumpets sounded to herald their arrival at Candysoda Castle.

"Your Highness, announcing the good witches of -"
"For Blog's sake, man! Don't call them good witches!" Princess Soda hurriedly tried cut off the announcer, but it was too late; he had already been turned into a sock monkey.

Two exceedingly glamorous ladies swept into the throne room, surrounded by a capering, chattering crowd of dear little monkeys.

"Am not a good witch," muttered Gwendolyn disgustedly, sneaking a sip from a suspicious flask she had hidden in the folds of her robe, "I'm a fabulous witch! Don't you know calling someone a good witch is like saying they have a nice personality?!"

"Yeah! Call me a good witch & I will cut you!" snarled Sass.

"My dear fabulous witches! I need your help." Princess Soda explained that as a present to her beloved husband the King, she had her hair enchanted so that it would grow very long. At present it trailed behind her by about two feet when she walked. It looked very becoming - if slightly unsettling as it curled and twined along the ground like creeping vines - but the problem was that it had become extremely heavy and difficult to bear.



"...and I don't know what to do!" finished the Princess.

The witchy sisters thought for a moment - interrupted several times by various members of the court unburdening themselves into Sass's ear much to her annoyance.

Then Gwendolyn's eyes lit up.

"I know just the thing, Princess! I will give you some of my monkeys to help carry your hair for you! The little buggers won't learn how to fly," here she broke off to give them a hard glare, "but they're nice enough, and I have taught them to stop flinging poop at least."

"Heh, you said poop! Thank you, Lady Gwendolyn, they are dear little things! I am sure they will be a tremendous help!"

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Stay gwenilicious, sassy and fabulous, ladies.

The Blogisferia Chronicles: Chapter the Third

Previous Chapters:
Chapter the First
Chapter the Second
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*Thud... thud...thud*

The walls of Candysoda Castle trembled, and Cherry Vanilla Dr. Pepper sloshed around in Princess Soda's crystal goblet.

"Strewth! What in Blog's name?!" muttered the Princess. She went to the balcony to see if she could find out what was causing the earthquakes, but the view from her second floor window was filled by two denim-clad knees.

"Scope!" she exclaimed. "Of course... only a giant could make that sort of a racket! G'day mate!"

"Princess Soda, how are you?!" Scope bent down to speak with the Princess face-to face. "I have some news... I am in love! Would you like to meet Cora?"

"Scope! That is tremendous! Of course I must meet her!" squealed Princess Soda, looking around curiously, for surely she wouldn't have missed a giantess, even with Scope blocking the view.

Scope brought his hand round from behind his back and opened it. There, in his palm, stood a tiny, flame-haired pixie (even shorter than Princess Soda, who was rather on the small side), and she was beaming from ear to ear.

"Hello, so happy to meet you!" giggled the pixie, and her enthusiasm was so infectious that the Princess could not help but return her smile.

Cora told Princess Soda the story of how she and Scope had met, with much nudging and winking. Scope chimed in with some unsettling talk about their love having been approved by a deity's robotic messenger, but Princess Soda let it pass.

She was puzzled by one thing, however.

"You two are just adorable! But Scope's so tall, and you're... I mean, how do you... You know what, never mind." said the Princess hastily. "I'm just so happy for the two of you!"

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Enjoy, lovebirds!

The Blogisferia Chronicles: Chapter the Second

Previous Chapters:
Chapter The First

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Princess Soda was walking through the Candysoda town square when she saw, coming towards her, a statuesque raven-haired beauty dressed from head to toe in tartan.

"Holla!" she called out delightedly. "What news, Lady Anna?"

"Holla yersel'!" Lady Anna Russell of Glesga smiled down at the diminutive princess. "Blessings of the great Chuck D be upon you! Have you heard about our - hold on a minute."

Lady Anna was a dear, friendly person and a talented poet, but she had an odd personality quirk; a deep, abiding hatred of dwarves, one of whom she had just spotted walking down the street. Her elegant face took on a stormy, enraged expression, and as the dwarf approached them, she sent him flying with a mighty kick.

"Take that, ye wee bastard!" she shouted. "Awa' an' bile yer heid!"

"Now then lassie, as I was saying..." she turned back to Princess Soda, beaming genially. "Have you heard about our friend Lord Londonstreet?"

Lord Londonstreet was a foreign lord with impeccable speech and manners. Princess Soda was very fond of reading his proclamations (especially those concerning the food rituals of his people) but they had been few and far between lately.

"No, please tell me, Lady Anna! What has happened?"

"He - Oh look, there he is! He can tell you himself!"

A fine gentleman wearing a top hat and a monocle approached them.

"Lord Londonstreet, do tell me what has happened to you!" pleaded Princess Soda.

"Your Highness, I've been cursed! Jolly inconvenient, what? An evil wizard has put the Curse of Arr Ess Eye on me. Can't write my bloody proclamations, dash it all! Still, mustn't grumble..."

"Oh no! Londonstreet, I shall ask all my wizards and good witches to look into this matter. A cure must be found!"

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I hope it gets better soon, Mr. Londonstreet.

News from Candysoda Castle...

Having been accused of completely hallucinating the first chapter of The Blogisferia Chronicles, I've made an adjustment: from now on, references to posts by the featured bloggers have been linked where possible. I hope this helps you to understand how much of a genius I am.

In addition, I have also designed the freaking awesome Candysoda coat of arms, which ought to be proudly displayed by those featured in The Blogisferia Chronicles.

Wordsx3 and Me, Amplified, please take yours now!



Everyone else who is in my sidebar can expect to be featured one day, (unless you explicitly state to me in the comments of this post that you do not wish to be involved, party-pooper).

The Blogisferia Chronicles: Chapter the First

All right people, you've been wondering what the super special secret reward was and here it is. The two bloggers who won the most recent Mad Blogs have won the honor of being the first characters to be featured in my new series, The Blogisferia Chronicles. I hope you enjoy it, and if you don't, you can suck it, because I really enjoy writing it!

Here is the first chapter - it's a little long but it requires some set-up; I don't anticipate future chapters being quite this long!!!


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Once upon a time, there was a fairy princess named Soda, who lived in the magical land of Blogisferia.

Princess Soda ruled over Candysoda, a small kingdom within Blogisferia. It was a delightful place with cobbled streets and a fountain in the town square that bubbled all day long with every flavor of soda (or soft drink) you could wish for.

The people of Blogisferia liked nothing more than to share their innermost thoughts, feelings, likes, dislikes, and the minutiae of their daily lives with each other (and anyone else who happened to be within listening distance). They were also addicted to entering competitions and winning awards, which they displayed prominently around their dwellings.

Princess Soda was no exception, often inviting people from all over Blogisferia to visit her and devising competitions to entertain them all.

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One day, Princess Soda was walking in the woods just outside Candysoda Castle when she came upon a knight sitting on a rock. He was rubbing dirt into his suit of armor and banging it with rocks.

"Sir Words... words... words...? It is you!" cried the Princess. "Whatever are you doing?!"

"Everyone thinks being a knight is so glamorous." grumbled the knight. "It's not. It's all interminable round-table meetings and lots of boring hard work. But my damn armor never gets a scratch on it. It comes out looking as shiny as the day I bought it, and that just doesn't help my case."

"Well, never mind about that, Words. What I want to know is, why in Blog's name did you get your horse in such a horrible color?" asked the Princess, to whom such matters were of vital importance.

"Sivvick is a great steed!" said Sir Words defensively. "He runs beautifully, and is very reliable."

Princess Soda regarded the mustard-colored horse dubiously.
"Still, are you sure you wouldn't like me to enchant him into a lovely rose pink, or a mint-green perhaps?"

Sir Words was saved from having to reply by a rustling of nearby branches.

There in the clearing they saw a Gnu. It was gently biting a small cube of rainbow colored jelly and giggling to itself.

"Hello Gnu," said the Princess, "what is your name?"

The Gnu spoke:
"i'm biting on the dessert
i'm a gnu with no name
it feels good to get out of the rain
... was i talking in verse again? sorry about that, mate!"

"'Mate?' Oh snap!" cried the Princess delightedly. "You're from Straya? I grew up in Straya!"

"that's ace! here, have a lamington." replied the Gnu.

"Ta very much." Princess Soda accepted the small cake graciously.

As she took it from the Gnu's hoof, an amazing transformation began to occur, and soon, standing in front of them, right where the Gnu had been, was a beautiful fairy with rainbow-colored hair.

"it's me, amplified!" cried the fairy happily.


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