Fun Size: Cocktail Hour.

I really like the drink they call a Shirley Temple - you know, Sprite with Lord-knows-what thrown in there to make it go pink. Because clearly the most important thing about a drink is that it should match your outfit.

But I was thinking the other night, I bet a Shirley Temple would taste pretty good with a shot of vodka chucked in. Only what would you call it?

I suggest, the Drew Barrymore*.




* GET IT???!!! Because she was a nine-year-old alcoholic**.

**Too soon?

To Boldly Go...

Captain Kirk: We don't know what terrible dangers may lurk down on this strange new planet. We'll need to assemble an away team. Let's see... of course I will go, my second in command Spock, Chief Medical Officer McCoy, Lieutenant Sulu... and you there, in the red shirt, what's your name?

Ensign: Jenkins, sir.

Captain Kirk: All right, Ensign Jenkins, you're coming with us. You too, Ensign Kowalski.

Ensigns: Aw, crap.


As soon as you saw some poor schmo in a red shirt (who you'd never seen before) in the away team, you knew who was going to get crushed by styrofoam rocks or atomized by unconvincingly plastic lizard-people. My mum and I coined the name Ensign Expendable for these unfortunate fellows. I wonder if Starfleet Academy had a course on Not Getting Picked For the Away Team, aka Survival 101.

Really Hot.

Sometimes, when a mummy and a daddy love each other very much, the daddy does things to make the mummy happy...

*************************

He squeezed the bottle over the hot water, smiling at her as she watched small mountains of bubbles rising from the surface. She swore she could almost feel the steam rising and making her skin hotter, or maybe it was just that she knew what he was going to do next.

"Oh yeah baby, you know I love it when you do that!" she purred.

She inhaled sharply, watching his hands as they worked slowly and surely over the dishes, lathering them with a luxurious foam and then sluicing steaming hot water all over them to rinse off the detergent. She loved the way the muscles in his strong forearms corded as he carefully placed each dish in the draining rack.

"That's not all I've got... I know you're gonna love this, you dirty girl." He winked at her and strode across the kitchen.

His long, sensitive fingers caressed and securely knotted the handles of the garbage bag. He lifted it gently out of the bin, its weight meaningless in his well-muscled arms, and headed for the back door, stopping only to hook one finger into the mouth of a milk-bottle, rinsed and ready for recycling.

"Oh baby," she moaned rapturously, "I love how you know exactly what I want you to do without me even having to ask!"

The Blogisferia Chronicles: Chapter the Fourth

This post is a special gift for two lovely lady bloggers who've recently celebrated their birthdays...


Previous Chapters:
Chapter the First
Chapter the Second
Chapter the Third
*************************************

Princess Soda needed help, so she summoned two of her favorite witches to ask them to find a solution.

Trumpets sounded to herald their arrival at Candysoda Castle.

"Your Highness, announcing the good witches of -"
"For Blog's sake, man! Don't call them good witches!" Princess Soda hurriedly tried cut off the announcer, but it was too late; he had already been turned into a sock monkey.

Two exceedingly glamorous ladies swept into the throne room, surrounded by a capering, chattering crowd of dear little monkeys.

"Am not a good witch," muttered Gwendolyn disgustedly, sneaking a sip from a suspicious flask she had hidden in the folds of her robe, "I'm a fabulous witch! Don't you know calling someone a good witch is like saying they have a nice personality?!"

"Yeah! Call me a good witch & I will cut you!" snarled Sass.

"My dear fabulous witches! I need your help." Princess Soda explained that as a present to her beloved husband the King, she had her hair enchanted so that it would grow very long. At present it trailed behind her by about two feet when she walked. It looked very becoming - if slightly unsettling as it curled and twined along the ground like creeping vines - but the problem was that it had become extremely heavy and difficult to bear.



"...and I don't know what to do!" finished the Princess.

The witchy sisters thought for a moment - interrupted several times by various members of the court unburdening themselves into Sass's ear much to her annoyance.

Then Gwendolyn's eyes lit up.

"I know just the thing, Princess! I will give you some of my monkeys to help carry your hair for you! The little buggers won't learn how to fly," here she broke off to give them a hard glare, "but they're nice enough, and I have taught them to stop flinging poop at least."

"Heh, you said poop! Thank you, Lady Gwendolyn, they are dear little things! I am sure they will be a tremendous help!"

*******************************
Stay gwenilicious, sassy and fabulous, ladies.

F You Friday: Missing Princess.

Missing: One princess.

Answers to: "Soda & Candy", "Princess Soda", "Your Highness", or "Hey look, a shoe sale!"

Last seen: Muttering angrily, clutching Wheaty Bear in one hand and a fistful of Pamprin Max in the other.

Height: 7' in platform wedges.

Weight: Information unavailable*.

Eyes: Dark circles.

Hair: Too damn much.

Use extreme caution when apprehending. Subject is considered armed & cranky, but may be mollified by offerings of cheeseburgers, Snickers Almond bars or Dr Pepper.


*Official Candysoda archive record states: "None of your damn business."

Soda Fountain of Knowledge (Kulcha Edition): The Magic Pudding.

The Magic Pudding is an absolute classic of Australian children's literature, written & illustrated by famous author & artist Norman Lindsay.

The pudding himself is named Albert, and although he does enjoy being eaten, as you can see from the picture he is quite a belligerent fellow. He travels about the Australian bush in the company of the Noble Society of Pudding Owners (Bill Barnacle the sailor, Bunyip Bluegum the koala - that's him looking foppish next to the pudding - and Sam Sawnoff the penguin), trying not to get stolen by Pudding Thieves.

The Magic Pudding is magic because he can change flavors to whatever you like, and no matter how many slices you cut off him, he remains whole. How useful would that be? Also, no wonder I liked this book - it's about food, and all-you-can-eat buffet at that.

The Magic Pudding is as charming as Snugglepot & Cuddlepie, but has the added joy of an unpleasant protagonist in the Pudding. Albert is a bit of a rude bastard. The classic Australian sense of humor is cheeky, impudent and irreverent, but can also be very dry, and this is exactly the tone of The Magic Pudding. I don't actually have a copy of the book, so this is the only decent quote I could find via the internet. It gives you some idea of the joy:

"None of the ordinary breakfast rules, such as scowling while eating, and saying the porridge is as stiff as glue and the eggs are as tough as leather, are observed. Instead, songs, roars of laughter, and boisterous jests are the order of the day. For example, this sort of thing," added Sam, doing a rapid back-flap and landing with a thump on Bill’s head. As Bill was unprepared for this act of boisterous humour, his face was pushed into the Puddin’ with great violence, and the gravy was splashed in his eye.

"What d’yer mean, playing such bungfoodling tricks on a man at breakfast?" roared Bill.

"What d’yer mean," shouted the Puddin’, "playing such foodbungling tricks on a Puddin’ being breakfasted at?"

The Wikipedia page on the Magic Pudding is quite good and has a little more detail, whereas I'm working pretty much entirely off memory here!

Soda Fountain of... Soda?

Dr Pepper Cherry: A Review.

At first glance, we see only that Dr Pepper Cherry has a slightly more crimson-infused hue than its parent soda, hinting at the subtle differences to come.

Dr Pepper Cherry has an exciting yet not overpowering fizziness on the tongue, and a sweet, almost syrupy aftertaste. Top notes of dark, plump cherries and Red #40 proclaim a slightly different terroir from the original Dr Pepper - perhaps a different section of the factory? - while familiar undertones of smooth caramel, ripe plums, sunshine and high fructose corn syrup delight the palate.

While certainly a pleasant beverage, Dr Pepper Cherry varies so little from the original variety that this reviewer was left wondering why they discontinued the infinitely superior Dr Pepper Black Cherry Vanilla only to start churning out this pale imitation.