Cicadasong

or, The Terrible Horrible No Good Very Bad Poem about Cicadas.

You left your armor
clinging, empty
A hollow plaything
A zombie sentry

Now calling your lovers
to join in your song
Hordes in the trees
your voices are strong

Sing me to distraction
Sing me into dust
Sing to me all summer
for sing to me you must

When summer is gone
And you've done what you could
Your children will sleep safely
deep in the wood

Edited To Add: Wow. Perhaps I should have called it Cricketsong *crickets*. Anyway, who pronounces it cic-ay-da, and who pronounces it cic-ah-da?

Say What?

As much as I rail against people for not using the English language correctly*, I must admit there are some sayings that just don't make any damn sense. Here are a couple:

"Have your cake and eat it too"
I know what the meaning of this phrase is, I think; it's talking about not being satisfied and always wanting more than you deserve. But if you look at what it literally says, it's completely ridiculous. I know the Vegetable Assassin will back me up on this one. I mean, what is the point of having sweet delicious cake, if not to cram it down one's gullet? What possible circumstances could exist in which the having of the cake was enough?! What are you going to do, just keep it under a glass dome, taking it out occasionally to stare lovingly at the swirly peaks of frosting until the cake is old enough for baby spiders to come bursting out? Maybe that's good enough for Miss Haversham, but not this girl, no sir! I see a cake, I eat it.

"The exception that proves the rule"
This just makes my brain hurt like Mr Gumby. I'm not even sure I can understand what someone who uses this phrase is trying to say. I mean, surely if an example exists that goes against the conventional wisdom, doesn't that mean the conventional wisdom is wrong? For example, say you meet an Australian who hates beer and loathes cricket. Okay, perhaps it's unexpected, but how in the hell do you turn around and take that as proof that Aussies usually do love beer and cricket, rather than that perhaps you might have been taken in by a popular stereotype, and it's proof of the fact that the stereotype isn't true?!

Extra Credit Question: Dear Readers, what oddities of the English language (or another language, but please explain!) do you find perplexing?


*I think using the wrong your/you're should be punishable by torture, and I have been known to shout at the television during misuse of the word literally...

Overheard in the And Candy House

Perhaps unsurprisingly, the following conversation took place while lounging on the couches on a Sunday evening.

Mr.&C: I wish they had home delivery chocolate.

S&C: "Hello, pizza place? Can you please bring us your smallest cheapest pizza and also stop by the grocery store and bring us some chocolate?"
...Ohhh, imagine if they had home delivery for Krispy Kreme. We'd be fat as hell!

Mr.&C: Fatter as hell.


Dear Reader, what do YOU wish came home-delivered?

X factor

I am X.

Only a small percentage of all humans are X, so I guess you could say I was in a minority (interestingly, I have heard that the percentage is slightly higher among creative types).

You can't tell I'm X just by looking at me. Most people are surprised when they find out that I am X. X is not a characteristic I chose to have, but one that is naturally part of who I am. Being X is something you are born with.

Not so long ago, being X was seen as wrong, even a sign of evil. My grandfather was X, but when it was found out, he was physically punished and forced to be not-X. These days, most people don't see anything wrong with being X. You might even see an X character in a movie or TV show.

What is X? Highlight the line below to find out.
X = left-handed

How many Horsemen of the Apocalypse?

Pestilence, War, Famine, Death, Using Literally When You Mean Figuratively.

Who are your bonus Horsemen of the Apocalypse?

Steamed.

When I step out of the shower I feel glorious.

Full and luscious and soft, my skin plump with water and gently steaming like the fluffiest, whitest bun. My lime and brown sugar scrub makes me smell like the promise of a mojito.

Then I pull on my jeans... and suddenly I feel like a giant blob of sausage stuffed into not enough skin.

Did that actually just happen?

In the dentist's waiting room, a large woman with an extreme mullet (crew-cut in the front and waist length waves in the back) loudly discussed her gastric bypass surgery and then proudly described her checkers set...

...the pieces of which were shot glasses...

...with Dale Earnhardt Junior for one side and NASCAR for the other...

...She picked up this gem for the incredible sum of fifteen dollars at Big Lots*.

And I am a terrible person, because I could not keep a straight face. I'm not made of stone, people. But honestly, good for her. We should all be made so happy so easily. But perhaps with better haircuts.



*A dreadful discount goods store where everything is either broken, overpriced for its quality level, unbelievably tacky, or some combination of these three.