F You Friday: Family

Family.

They come and visit you, and it's all lovely and you proudly show them around your town and go out to eat and spend ages chatting and catching up and they sleep on the air mattress and still love you and you all take happy snaps on the beach squinting in the sun and you get them to bribe your dogs with treats because the dogs tend to hate anyone who doesn't already live in your house but then the dogs turn out to be attention whores anyway...

And then they leave and you remember that none of your family lives here and you miss them more than you did before they visited.

Bastards.

Curmudgeon Status: Confirmed

I know it's just going to confirm me as a cranky elderly person before my time, but I have to show you the error of your ways, o misusers of the English language*.

Here are some phrases I have seen being wantonly misused all over the Internet or on television, along with some hastily cobbled together explanations to help you remember the correct phrase.

toe the line
NOT tow the line
The idea is that your toes are exactly on the line, meaning that you are behaving exactly as you are supposed to.

another think coming
NOT another thing coming
Because you need to think again, dumbass. You know what you did.

I couldn't care less
NOT I could care less
You're trying to let someone know that your level of caring is as low as it can possibly be. It is not possible for you to care any less. If you say you could care less, well then it's the exact opposite of the point you're trying to make!

in the throes
NOT in the throws
Like most misused phrases, this doesn't even make sense the wrong way. Merriam Webster defines throes as a hard or painful struggle. Whereas throws are, like, cushions or blankets or something.



*And misusers IS a word, because I just made it up. So there.

I'm totally doing it for the environment.

They stopped purchasing the large size styrofoam cups at work*, so I have been using the same one for about three weeks now.

It has nasty elderly soda-stains in it (and is all scratched & chewed**), but I can't get rid of it, because the alternatives are:

Drink my soda at room temperature: UNACCEPTABLE.

Violently jam giant ice-cubes through the tiny hole in the top of the can: IMPOSSIBLE.

Buy chilled, gouge-a-riffic, non-generic soda from the soda machine: UNACCEPTABLE.

Drink tiny fairy-portions of soda from the water-cooler cups: UNACCEPTABLE.


I'm pretty sure this cup is giving me tuberculosis.



*Yet another thing to blame the economy for.

** S&C, why is your styrofoam cup all chewed and bitten at the top? Shut up, that's why.

Ode to a Creme Egg

With Easter just around the corner, it seemed only right to create a tribute to this universally loved seasonal treat.

Dear beloved Creme Egg,
How I love your chocolate shell
Smooth and etched with a pretty design
And perfect in taste as well

Your chocolate is from Cadbury's
Milky and superb
Hersheys just can't measure up
So I kick it to the kerb

Your flowing center like egg white
Except much more delicious
As it dribbles down my chin
Who cares you're not nutritious?

I love to eat you slowly
Overdosing on the choc
Smiling as it sends me into
Diabetic shock

And despite how much I love you
I'm glad you're here a short time
A large round shape looks good on you
But for my body, I prefer mine.
























[Original artwork by Soda & Candy using existing Creme Egg image]

FAIL: Prince.

No, this is what it sounds like when doves cry:

Hoohoohoohoohoo... hoohoohoohoo...

ssssssssttttttttttttttttttt*





*This is the sound of a single, salty dove-tear sliding over pure white feathers. Duh.

F You Friday

That's right, I made up a day-based category and then accidentally posted like a half day early. What you gonna do about it?

Soda & Candy: "F you, skateboarders in the bike lane. There's this new invention called the footpath, maybe you've heard of it?!"

Soda & Candy's Husband: "No they haven't, because here it's called a sidewalk."

Oh, snap!


Soda & Candy enjoys making snarky and/or Judgy McJudgerson comments from the safety of the car, but she has to remember to make sure all the windows are wound up first. There's nothing quite like loudly denouncing some random lardy pedestrian only to find that they've quite possibly heard everything you've said.

(Sort of) TMI Thursday: Double Poop Sandwich.

Calm down, it's not what you're thinking.


As I was making myself a sandwich the other morning, two things occurred to me:

1. My dad once told me that when he was a nurse, they taught him that healthy baby poop is the color and consistency of (presumably smooth) peanut butter. To this day he cannot eat peanut butter.

2. The squeezy bottle of grape jelly looks like it is making little grapey poops when you squeeze it onto the bread.

PB&J will from this day forth forever be rendered in my mind (and now yours) as a double poop sandwich.

You're welcome.