Monday, September 21, 2009

The Blogisferia Chronicles: Chapter the Seventh

Please note - all Chronicles are stand-alones, you don't have to read any previous chapters to know what's going on.

Indulge me on this one, it's long but heartfelt.


Previous Chapters:

Chapter the First
Chapter the Second

Chapter the Third
Chapter the Fourth
Chapter the Fifth
Chapter the Sixth
*************************************

The Candysoda Tavern was cool & dark, even in the middle of the day. Princess Soda was sitting at the bar, grimly chugging drink after pink frothy drink and demanding more with a small fist slammed into the scarred wood of the bar-top. She glared belligerently around her and muttered foul imprecations under her breath.

A few stools down, Tennyson ee Hemingway the philosopher, in a battered leather hat with a band made of crocodile teeth, was nibbling thoughtfully on a huge slice of pavlova. He turned to the man next to him and said "Strewth Mo, what is the Princess doing in here? I didn't think she was a drinker!"

Mo was a dapper English fellow with a small sticky person in an orange & pink striped onesie clambering about his person. He replied "I only come in on Mo-days, but I heard she's been in here constantly the past few days and has to be carried out at closing time... The odd thing is, those are Shirley Temples she's shotgunning." Having imparted this wisdom, Mo sagely sipped his pint and returned to his favorite task of observing the colorful parade of people passing by the tavern.

Suddenly, down at the end of the bar, there was a puff of smoke and a loud bang. Mjenks the alchemist sat behind the now charred and smoking bar, a maniacal grin on his face. As the smoke cleared, he turned to the curvaceous redhead at his side and murmured "Vix a te videor posse tenere manus!"

Everyone politely averted their eyes from what occurred next.

As a lucky distraction, a commotion occurred that very minute. Outside the tavern, an oddly charming three-wheeled vehicle staggered to a halt in a sputtering cloud of fumes. An elderly gentleman with an impressive beard alighted and shuffled in to sit at the bar.

"You!" shouted the Princess, looking daggers at the old man. "She is lost to us because of you, Simon! Princess Teacup is gone because of your carelessness!" Princess Soda jumped down from the bar-stool, clenching her fists and stamping a tiny foot against the dark hardwood floor.

"I know," sobbed Simon. "And she was the most profitable, er, I mean sweetest, of my myriad illegitimate daughters as well."

Upon seeing his genuine grief, Princess Soda's rage evaporated. She and Simon embraced, and toasted to their dear lost Princess Teacup with huge foamy steins of Byron Bay lemonade.

And to make up for her ill humor, the Princess ordered a giant platter of Tim Tams for everyone in the bar.

*************************************
Tennyson, mo.stoneskin, INdefatigable mjenks & Simon: please accept this fine shield as proof of your Chroniclage.
Teacup my dear, I know you've quit blogging, but please continue to drop in here whenever you want.


Friday, September 18, 2009

How do you blog?

How do you blog?

Do you blog like a frog on a log?
Like a dog playing with Pogs?

Are you turning cogs in the fog
Or dancing in clogs?

Is your mind full of smog
Would you rather go for a jog?

How do you blog?

Wednesday, September 16, 2009

Namaste, dirtbags.

So the other day I misread Yoga Co-op as Yoga Cop.

Yoga Cop would make a great sitcom.

A big-city detective, retired after some traumatic experience in the line of duty, opens a yoga studio to try to find some inner peace. But after a typo in his newspaper ad, people keep coming to him to solve crimes and he always ends up using yoga to do it. Like maybe he meditates and centers his mind so that the solution can come to him, or he subdues the bad guy by twisting him into some pretzelly position, or discovers the missing bullet casings while doing a quick downward facing dog at the crime scene. Hilarity ensues.

Thomas Haden Church would make an excellent Yoga Cop. He would always be butting heads with the sassy Latina detective who's taken over his old beat. His yoga studio partners would be an elderly burnt-out hippie and a ditzy new-agey girl that would be his love interest.

Would you watch Yoga Cop? Leave your casting and plot suggestions in the comments!

Monday, September 14, 2009

Dear Mr. Leopard...

leopard photo
Dear Mr. Leopard,

Would you mind awfully if I made you into a coat? It's just that your fur is ridiculously beautiful. Even up close it looks almost hand-painted. Are you really just a mountain lion with a talented hairdresser?

If you don't want to be made into a coat, I guess I could settle for keeping you as a pet, but you'd have to consent to wearing a sparkly collar and being patted a lot.

Let me know.

Love,
Soda & Candy

Friday, September 11, 2009

I like words and stuff.

two of my favorite words of the moment:

ineptitude
which I was very excited about as I thought I had invented it to mean the ability to be crap at everything, but in fact it turns out is already a word meaning the quality of being inept. I like it though as it is still the antithesis (ooh another good word!) of aptitude.

troglodyte
it means cave-dweller, and makes a good insult when you don't want to curse and would like to appear pompous.

Wednesday, September 9, 2009

And in another Survivor-related post...

What would CBS do if there was some kind of natural disaster or freak accident in which all of the Survivors were killed?

"Tonight on Survivor: Some Random Island We Hope You've Forgotten We've Already Been To: A freak tidal wave washes away the camp, and all the Survivors are washed out to sea. Ironically, there are no survivors."

I suppose Jeff would just keep the million.

Monday, September 7, 2009

Make sense? Wanna know what you're playing for?

Survivor is about to be back on for its 27th season. I'm pretty sure Jeff Probst can just go ahead & print his own money now. In fact I imagine his last salary negotiation went something like this:

[SCENE: Interior, CBS boardroom.
Executives sit around a table the size of a swimming pool. JEFF PROBST enters. He is wearing chunky gold rings on each finger, heavy chains about his neck and a floor-length fur coat.]


JEFF PROBST: Fifty virgins by tomorrow, or I walk.

CONCERNED EXECUTIVE: But Jeff...

JEFF PROBST: Ah-bah-bah! [peremptorily waves beringed hand] Fifty.


[FIN]